I have a Tumblr now, I think I'll be switching to that but it might be a little bit more real than I was on here. hope you like it.
I'm still starting it up but it'll get better soon.
http://seanantonia.tumblr.com/
Friday, November 25, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
second post as discussion leader, and no there will not be a third.
The sense of familiarity.
Just recently I purchased contacts because I have really bad vision and I was just tired of seeing through a set of frames, but even now, when nothing is on my face, I still have a tendency to make the motion of pushing up my glasses. It just makes me smile, because even if no one was there to see my blunder, I cant help but laugh at the idea of familiarity. During the day I wear contacts for quite a few hours and I am completely adjusted but it is still puzzling to notice how unconsciously I still find the need to make sure that everything is set in it's place. It just makes you wonder how your body processes the habits you've adopted and even if circumstances have changed, your body still does what it's familiar with, even if it has your mental say so or not.
It just interests me how the two connect, your mental self and your physical one. How everything just works without manually turning on a battery or having the set initiative to breathe or even have to control when your heart pumps blood through your veins. How our bodies just go is truly remarkable and it's so sad seeing how we all mistreat the lovely things we have been given to use. I mean there are so many reasons why we have adjusted our bodies to intake everything and suffer rather than truly do our part and nurture them; we just all need to reread the manual. We truly do, I feel, in order for us all to make peace with our bodies, we need to treat them as if they are machines practically. Put good in, in order to get good out, I mean we do not put diesel fuel into an automatic, I mean do you want your car to blow up in flames? Do we want to have that sudden break down of our bodies because we aren't taking the necessary time to have them grow properly? Tell me what you think, I'd love to know whether or not you share my opinion, or if you need me to elaborate more because I could talk for days on this subject. Take care, and good luck with all your midterms everyone!
Just recently I purchased contacts because I have really bad vision and I was just tired of seeing through a set of frames, but even now, when nothing is on my face, I still have a tendency to make the motion of pushing up my glasses. It just makes me smile, because even if no one was there to see my blunder, I cant help but laugh at the idea of familiarity. During the day I wear contacts for quite a few hours and I am completely adjusted but it is still puzzling to notice how unconsciously I still find the need to make sure that everything is set in it's place. It just makes you wonder how your body processes the habits you've adopted and even if circumstances have changed, your body still does what it's familiar with, even if it has your mental say so or not.
It just interests me how the two connect, your mental self and your physical one. How everything just works without manually turning on a battery or having the set initiative to breathe or even have to control when your heart pumps blood through your veins. How our bodies just go is truly remarkable and it's so sad seeing how we all mistreat the lovely things we have been given to use. I mean there are so many reasons why we have adjusted our bodies to intake everything and suffer rather than truly do our part and nurture them; we just all need to reread the manual. We truly do, I feel, in order for us all to make peace with our bodies, we need to treat them as if they are machines practically. Put good in, in order to get good out, I mean we do not put diesel fuel into an automatic, I mean do you want your car to blow up in flames? Do we want to have that sudden break down of our bodies because we aren't taking the necessary time to have them grow properly? Tell me what you think, I'd love to know whether or not you share my opinion, or if you need me to elaborate more because I could talk for days on this subject. Take care, and good luck with all your midterms everyone!
one of my posts as discussion leader for my online psych class
What is the proper extent for which an individual would go to in order to prove his or her point?
That was the exact question that came to mind when I had read the first couple of pages in chapter 5 of the Stanovich text. When I read that Goldberger and his fellow partners ingested sick victims' excretions in order to prove his theory, I nearly fell out of my chair. Okay, maybe not, but it really was quite disgusting. It made me question how dedicated one could be and how rational certain things are to others once they have created an idea in their head. The fact that he thought of that as a way to control an experiment was just beyond me; for I would of never of thought of voluntarily consuming one's feces unless it was a life or death situation, and even then I'd highly consider. It just goes to show you how rational one may seem once they have a set opinion on a topic, the exact definition of the term spurious correlation that was discussed in this chapter. But now that I think about this, the littlest of things have this same basis. Earlier this week I was watching the movie He's Just Not That Into You and realized that men and women act the same exact way when they are exposed to one another in the lover pool. Both turn into psycho-analytic observers when they become slightly involved with another individual, creating “signs” and “meanings” in their minds that would of originally not of been there if they were introduced as “just friends” and the possibility of a relationship was never in question. But maybe these two examples are completely distinct and I myself am making a connection out of nothing, who really knows? Maybe I am just stuck looking at this with a biased point of view? Either way, tell me what you think of the chapter itself, or even your review of the movie.
That was the exact question that came to mind when I had read the first couple of pages in chapter 5 of the Stanovich text. When I read that Goldberger and his fellow partners ingested sick victims' excretions in order to prove his theory, I nearly fell out of my chair. Okay, maybe not, but it really was quite disgusting. It made me question how dedicated one could be and how rational certain things are to others once they have created an idea in their head. The fact that he thought of that as a way to control an experiment was just beyond me; for I would of never of thought of voluntarily consuming one's feces unless it was a life or death situation, and even then I'd highly consider. It just goes to show you how rational one may seem once they have a set opinion on a topic, the exact definition of the term spurious correlation that was discussed in this chapter. But now that I think about this, the littlest of things have this same basis. Earlier this week I was watching the movie He's Just Not That Into You and realized that men and women act the same exact way when they are exposed to one another in the lover pool. Both turn into psycho-analytic observers when they become slightly involved with another individual, creating “signs” and “meanings” in their minds that would of originally not of been there if they were introduced as “just friends” and the possibility of a relationship was never in question. But maybe these two examples are completely distinct and I myself am making a connection out of nothing, who really knows? Maybe I am just stuck looking at this with a biased point of view? Either way, tell me what you think of the chapter itself, or even your review of the movie.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
nyquil
Oh my, the resolution of my phone is pretty bright. So technically it's thursday morning, but either way I can't sleep. I've been laying in bed for quite a bit, a little while ago I was watching He's Just Not That Into You. Fair warning, girls don't watch this movie days before your next period when you're on emotional crack. I feel like such a girl in need of a teddy bear and a chocolate fountain. Maybe I'm in such a cruddy mood bcz I never finished the movie, it was hella long and I really should be trying to get some sleep but I just can't sleep yet. Even with two thousand milligrams of pain reliever pumping thru my veins, I really hope it makes me sleepy. I mean coming here I needed my sleeping pills for a few days then stopped needing them for a few weeks bcz I accompanied a bed, but now that that's over I need them again. Its much easier to fall asleep when you have someone to be with. Now its just me, my ipad, and my phone. No wonder I could never fall asleep, haha. But I mean I'm not complaining, I can stretch out. I guess I'm just missing that late night conversation, the one that makes you think until you nod off. Sometimes I think I'm better in a relationship, only bcz I have something to focus on other than the worries of me. Sleeping tends to just get easier that way, but all I have now are my thoughts and emotions, which don't mix well right before I fall asleep. My arms are sore, I went to the gym today then had swimming this morning. I have to get in shape to play the game. And I feel as if I have a fever, dang cooties! All the girls in my suite are sick, apparently I'm a late bloomer. I want to sleep, a lot of things can be added to that list actually. There's a void, I feel it. And maybe its been hindering for a few days but either way I feel it now, quite noticeable. The feeling to want something more, someone to text when I can't sleep who will talk to me until I do who I don't see as a friend, since I'm currently texting one now until I see the inside of my eyelids. But that's not the point, what I want is that warm, bubbly feeling inside. Someone to lean on while I'm watching a movie and not have it turn into some form of foreplay. I just need some form of distraction other then movies on netflix. Doesn't matter if its someone who makes me all bubbly, just companionship other than my roommates would be nice. A group of friends whom I can all my own. I kinda missed out on developing that the first few weeks I've been here because I was adopted into the gazeebo herd because of her. Now I'm on my own and in need of a flock. I'm just a wondering duck, yeah a duck. I run to my room bcz I like the feeling of being alone, but sometimes it truly is just the easy way out, the scapegoat. I need to be a flower and bloom, damn hippie moments-you gotta love arcata. But either way, I want text messages blowing up my phone asking to hang out. And see, that's my problem. I'm stuck searching for that thru my friends groups who I've seem to of been tagging along with, not developing it on my own bcz I'm too darn stubborn and it really is just sad that I can't get out of that stride. I mean who cares if I've made a fool of myself. That's what's growing up for. That's the fear of once again wincing at memories. Can't escape them no matter how hard I try, how hard I scrunch my eyes in hopes of dissinigrating a memory that is best kept hidden. But after all embarrassing moments are life, might as well suck it up.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Thursday, September 1, 2011
ended up redoing this entry but here's one for thought...
There is a logical difficulty in being a moral relativist and belonging to a specific culture because you are faced with the challenge of choosing to stay true to your own morals or completely sacrificing them to conform to the ones of your own society. As a human being I believe we are all entitled to our own beliefs, but isnt that contradictory since im siding with the society of human beings and their belief in the free beliefs of human beings?
Karma.
Okay so in high school there was this girl who was, well gay, and had a few girl friends and stuff. but whenever one talked about her, not in necessarily bad terms but really more of a discussion-of what, who knows..but yeah whenever she was discussed the topic of her complexion came up quite a bit. only because it wasn't the best of the bunch but her personality shined through most of it, hence the reason she often found herself in those relationships. but i've seemed to of found myself in the same boat.
up here, i can already tell that my identity seems to be shielded by my outside, well the view people perceive from just from my physical self and actions that are noticed. those of which come from my physical relationship from a fellow female and my all too personally noticed complexion.
i guess im in the same scenario as the girl from high school. the girl that everyone just is okay with, not necessarily fondled over or really known, just there and seen. just there to see her with a girl and an ugly face. just there. nothing spectacular, nothing unique, just there.
i find myself to be just there. i want to be the mysterious girl who attracts but frankly, that's all in my head. everything is always in my head and it screws me over ever time. lately, more than a while, its been there, in the front of my mind, my lacking a define stage, a defined position. try and tell me that im wrong, try and prove a case to me that completely cancels out my own opinions.
yeah, keep thinking.
its there, i know it. and the only control i have is over the physical me, but lately it wants to fight with me too. this is why i like to be kept away a lot and closed, saves me from being seen, far too much vulnerability than the norm i face just by getting out of bed. now read that and try to get to know me, know what i hide, know what i feel..i don't like to share, i don't like to be vulnerable. maybe you were right when you said you could tell from my kisses that im timid but still like to take control. im shy, i don't like being unguarded, vulnerable, and im not afraid to take the stance that keeps me from being so emotionally bare.
up here, i can already tell that my identity seems to be shielded by my outside, well the view people perceive from just from my physical self and actions that are noticed. those of which come from my physical relationship from a fellow female and my all too personally noticed complexion.
i guess im in the same scenario as the girl from high school. the girl that everyone just is okay with, not necessarily fondled over or really known, just there and seen. just there to see her with a girl and an ugly face. just there. nothing spectacular, nothing unique, just there.
i find myself to be just there. i want to be the mysterious girl who attracts but frankly, that's all in my head. everything is always in my head and it screws me over ever time. lately, more than a while, its been there, in the front of my mind, my lacking a define stage, a defined position. try and tell me that im wrong, try and prove a case to me that completely cancels out my own opinions.
yeah, keep thinking.
its there, i know it. and the only control i have is over the physical me, but lately it wants to fight with me too. this is why i like to be kept away a lot and closed, saves me from being seen, far too much vulnerability than the norm i face just by getting out of bed. now read that and try to get to know me, know what i hide, know what i feel..i don't like to share, i don't like to be vulnerable. maybe you were right when you said you could tell from my kisses that im timid but still like to take control. im shy, i don't like being unguarded, vulnerable, and im not afraid to take the stance that keeps me from being so emotionally bare.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My intro of myself for my online Psych Course
Hey Everyone!
Well my name is Sean Antonia Engelman, and I know the name may be misleading but I am a female. (haha sorry, but the clarification seems to of become a necessity.) I'm from San Bernardino, CA and I'm majoring in Psychology. I'd like to categorize myself as artistic if I had to chose, however I really am open to trying anything that deems reasonable or rational in the time being. I love to draw, write poetry, and I have a blog where I post entries from time to time. (Comment and ask for the link if you'd like) I really am just going with the description of what I should write on here, I hope it doesn't seem to "blank after blank after blank." My favorite food would have to be Italian, but i love Chinese and Mexican as well, really anything that's covered in sauce. My current "go to" music genres are usually dubstep when I'm hyper and more Foster the People or Lykie Li when I'm in my mellow moods. But I'd really like to learn as much as I can from this course and really be able to further heighten my grasp on critical thinking. However, in the long run I hope to go to graduate school for Psychology and have my own office and secretary and be able to help anyone who needs it. I guess I believe my purpose in life is to listen, share, and interpret for others to learn from as well.
Well my name is Sean Antonia Engelman, and I know the name may be misleading but I am a female. (haha sorry, but the clarification seems to of become a necessity.) I'm from San Bernardino, CA and I'm majoring in Psychology. I'd like to categorize myself as artistic if I had to chose, however I really am open to trying anything that deems reasonable or rational in the time being. I love to draw, write poetry, and I have a blog where I post entries from time to time. (Comment and ask for the link if you'd like) I really am just going with the description of what I should write on here, I hope it doesn't seem to "blank after blank after blank." My favorite food would have to be Italian, but i love Chinese and Mexican as well, really anything that's covered in sauce. My current "go to" music genres are usually dubstep when I'm hyper and more Foster the People or Lykie Li when I'm in my mellow moods. But I'd really like to learn as much as I can from this course and really be able to further heighten my grasp on critical thinking. However, in the long run I hope to go to graduate school for Psychology and have my own office and secretary and be able to help anyone who needs it. I guess I believe my purpose in life is to listen, share, and interpret for others to learn from as well.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
nougat?
Okay now there is this huge dilemma about restrooms, I feel, in the college life. The true issue of that statement however, is not being able to take a shit in the restrooms because of the awkward embarrassment. And then the one thing about me is that whenever I'm in the restroom I start day dreaming as if I'm asleep in the bathroom so I get freaked out thinking I'm peeing in my sleep. Everything is just so wacked out but I mean it takes time for comfortability to kick in, and in the end, that's all what we're waiting for.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Ranch Vs. Ketchup
"Don't Drop Your Arms"
I'd say, I'm pretty set. I'm a freshmen here at HSU facing the challenge of my comfort zone, along with the dreaded quest of finding "Me." Today I changed about three times, drew an abstract picture for my dorm, and made a list of all the stuff I have to do tomorrow. Nowadays everything is just full of lists, full of not forgetting and remembering. Things to worry about, to fear, to ponder over. I'm constantly running marathons in my mind. I'm worrying about money, how I'm suppose to pay for my books, where I should get a job, how soon I really need to get one. Reality bites and having so much to stress on really is just the icing on the cake. This summer I suppose I was "on it" with my academics but I guess I wasn't so in control of my physical self. I mean I weigh the same, but my muscle seemed to of disintegrated. Tomorrow all of my roommates and I are planning to walk down to the beach but I think I really need to do some "Me" time tomorrow. Make some space for some mental adjustments in a clear and airy environment, i.e. the square or something outside on campus. Ill take my phone, my keys, a sketching pencil, my ipad, and my sketch pad. Time to be creative. I do also need to run some errands and find the gym around here. My problem is, I'm so damn inpatient and it kills me eveery single time bcz then I turn to stressing out and panicking. It does me no good but I seem to not be able to breath. I need to get some netflix or rhapsody. I need to update my playlists, figure out my finances, maybe buy some milk. Everything now that, well it really is just dawning on me, a grown up. Every feel like reality just steals your breath away? Yeah that's how I'm feeling now, but on the inside. I can't really show my panicky side right about now. But I will take a quick break to answer a text.
I'm back. With a whole lot more questions. As in, now that I'm at Humboldt, will I fall into the categorization? Gee I hope not. I want to be a level headed, smart adult, not a caught up, cracked out teen. Maybe I need a tv? No, no I don't. I need to breath, make some lists, exert my worries and just relax. Maybe some time in the jacuzzi might work, or a jog down the way. I need to be doing something. I need to put music on my blackberry, or at least learn how to hold meditation in a run. Maybe I just need a nap, but I can't nap till I wash my face and brush my teeth, but maybe its to early for that. What I need to do is get back on my laptop. Gotta go I guess.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
I'd say, I'm pretty set. I'm a freshmen here at HSU facing the challenge of my comfort zone, along with the dreaded quest of finding "Me." Today I changed about three times, drew an abstract picture for my dorm, and made a list of all the stuff I have to do tomorrow. Nowadays everything is just full of lists, full of not forgetting and remembering. Things to worry about, to fear, to ponder over. I'm constantly running marathons in my mind. I'm worrying about money, how I'm suppose to pay for my books, where I should get a job, how soon I really need to get one. Reality bites and having so much to stress on really is just the icing on the cake. This summer I suppose I was "on it" with my academics but I guess I wasn't so in control of my physical self. I mean I weigh the same, but my muscle seemed to of disintegrated. Tomorrow all of my roommates and I are planning to walk down to the beach but I think I really need to do some "Me" time tomorrow. Make some space for some mental adjustments in a clear and airy environment, i.e. the square or something outside on campus. Ill take my phone, my keys, a sketching pencil, my ipad, and my sketch pad. Time to be creative. I do also need to run some errands and find the gym around here. My problem is, I'm so damn inpatient and it kills me eveery single time bcz then I turn to stressing out and panicking. It does me no good but I seem to not be able to breath. I need to get some netflix or rhapsody. I need to update my playlists, figure out my finances, maybe buy some milk. Everything now that, well it really is just dawning on me, a grown up. Every feel like reality just steals your breath away? Yeah that's how I'm feeling now, but on the inside. I can't really show my panicky side right about now. But I will take a quick break to answer a text.
I'm back. With a whole lot more questions. As in, now that I'm at Humboldt, will I fall into the categorization? Gee I hope not. I want to be a level headed, smart adult, not a caught up, cracked out teen. Maybe I need a tv? No, no I don't. I need to breath, make some lists, exert my worries and just relax. Maybe some time in the jacuzzi might work, or a jog down the way. I need to be doing something. I need to put music on my blackberry, or at least learn how to hold meditation in a run. Maybe I just need a nap, but I can't nap till I wash my face and brush my teeth, but maybe its to early for that. What I need to do is get back on my laptop. Gotta go I guess.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sleep with one eye open...
Is it bad that I have theeeee perfect scheme for tomorrow? And is it bad that I treat my life more like a movie than reality?
Oh no I dont think so(;
But maybe I just have mental disabilities? Haha yes, I say so(:
Oh no I dont think so(;
But maybe I just have mental disabilities? Haha yes, I say so(:
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I have green curtains on my window.
I leave in three weeks.
I return in five months.
Leave three weeks later.
Return five months after that.
Here for three months.
Then start the cycle all over again.
I've given him up to two years.
I really hope I can have him forever, but only
Time will tell, please let time be on our side.
I better get some sleep, I have a doctors appointment
Tomorrow morning to get a whole bunch of shots
For college. The only shots I like are ones full of vodka.
I need to grow a pair and out of needing chasers.
I also need a pair of black wedge booties
And some oxfords. Along with two good pairs of pants(:
Oh yes, in three weeks I doubt I'll ever show any leg
Outside of my dorm. Better invest in some self tanner
Bcz I will not be white and sun derived. Oh no no no.
Goodnight world, goodnight you<3
I return in five months.
Leave three weeks later.
Return five months after that.
Here for three months.
Then start the cycle all over again.
I've given him up to two years.
I really hope I can have him forever, but only
Time will tell, please let time be on our side.
I better get some sleep, I have a doctors appointment
Tomorrow morning to get a whole bunch of shots
For college. The only shots I like are ones full of vodka.
I need to grow a pair and out of needing chasers.
I also need a pair of black wedge booties
And some oxfords. Along with two good pairs of pants(:
Oh yes, in three weeks I doubt I'll ever show any leg
Outside of my dorm. Better invest in some self tanner
Bcz I will not be white and sun derived. Oh no no no.
Goodnight world, goodnight you<3
Butter and Jam on my Bread Please
Hand in hand in the horizons. Two sets of feet.
Your hand curved, my hand curved, together we make a heartbeat.
Nearer nearer, time draws near.
The string still pulls, continue it will.
As the miles creep, the cracks grow deep.
Our ears are red, our heart will burn,
The sun is hot while the earth turns.
Like clay we mold, like life we grow old
Like love we're felt, but never told.
Hand in hand, your feet draw near.
Hand in hand, there is no need to fear.
Open the window, draw the breeze,
Take a deep breath, then squeeze
The hand in your hand is real, the love in your heart is true
Forever mine is forever you.
Peel back the skin, break through the glass,
Take the step to let me in.
Cradle in your arms, look me deep in the eye
There you will see our night sky.
It's very dark, yet the stars are still alit.
Seven hundred miles, yet you'll still feel the touch of my lips.
The scent of my skin, the warmth you get within.
Hang my picture on your heart, while our family photo
Hangs on a wall, visible from our future patio.
Hand in hand, well walk the beach.
Heart in heart, no space to reach.
I'm next to you as you are me, no need to not
Breath in sync with me,
As our heartbeats strum to the tree.
Hand in hand, forever it will be.
Your hand curved, my hand curved, together we make a heartbeat.
Nearer nearer, time draws near.
The string still pulls, continue it will.
As the miles creep, the cracks grow deep.
Our ears are red, our heart will burn,
The sun is hot while the earth turns.
Like clay we mold, like life we grow old
Like love we're felt, but never told.
Hand in hand, your feet draw near.
Hand in hand, there is no need to fear.
Open the window, draw the breeze,
Take a deep breath, then squeeze
The hand in your hand is real, the love in your heart is true
Forever mine is forever you.
Peel back the skin, break through the glass,
Take the step to let me in.
Cradle in your arms, look me deep in the eye
There you will see our night sky.
It's very dark, yet the stars are still alit.
Seven hundred miles, yet you'll still feel the touch of my lips.
The scent of my skin, the warmth you get within.
Hang my picture on your heart, while our family photo
Hangs on a wall, visible from our future patio.
Hand in hand, well walk the beach.
Heart in heart, no space to reach.
I'm next to you as you are me, no need to not
Breath in sync with me,
As our heartbeats strum to the tree.
Hand in hand, forever it will be.
After All, Sondre Lerche
"After All"
I like you too much
After too little time
I hold back my hearts crazy rambling
The fear that I should overwhelm your smile
Frightens the spiders inside me
Oh this could be magic
After all, after all
It started out as just a game, another toy to play with. I juggled a few for awhile but I just couldn't do it.
But after that day, you saved me. You brought me out when I was falling into a deep mental rut.
You pulled me to safety, you were my savior. And that's when everything fell into place. That's when I fell in love with you.
From that day on, I'll always love you, as you will me.
You told me I was your best friend, that you'll always be there for me.
That you care for me so much, nd how much you'll miss me.
I made you promise to come see me, and you did, promise that is.
It will be a true test of time if you do.
You've made me realize what I've missed, what I've been missing, what I never had.
It was love, not just another one, not a "what if" and a "finally did it".
It was the best any girl could ask for, bcz it was from the heart.
You feel so much, I can see it in your face, hear it in your words, feel it in your touch.
This will be the summer Ill never forget
And you'll be the one I'll always miss.
I'll leave here with the feeling of happiness in my heart.
Ill leave here with the luxury of being able to look back and smile at the times we had.
The moments we shared. The feelings we felt.
Youve given me the summer I'll never forget, the one that restored my heart.
I'll never stop loving you.
I like you too much
After too little time
I hold back my hearts crazy rambling
The fear that I should overwhelm your smile
Frightens the spiders inside me
Oh this could be magic
After all, after all
It started out as just a game, another toy to play with. I juggled a few for awhile but I just couldn't do it.
But after that day, you saved me. You brought me out when I was falling into a deep mental rut.
You pulled me to safety, you were my savior. And that's when everything fell into place. That's when I fell in love with you.
From that day on, I'll always love you, as you will me.
You told me I was your best friend, that you'll always be there for me.
That you care for me so much, nd how much you'll miss me.
I made you promise to come see me, and you did, promise that is.
It will be a true test of time if you do.
You've made me realize what I've missed, what I've been missing, what I never had.
It was love, not just another one, not a "what if" and a "finally did it".
It was the best any girl could ask for, bcz it was from the heart.
You feel so much, I can see it in your face, hear it in your words, feel it in your touch.
This will be the summer Ill never forget
And you'll be the one I'll always miss.
I'll leave here with the feeling of happiness in my heart.
Ill leave here with the luxury of being able to look back and smile at the times we had.
The moments we shared. The feelings we felt.
Youve given me the summer I'll never forget, the one that restored my heart.
I'll never stop loving you.
Friday, July 22, 2011
I'm barefoot.
You know..my title's the truth. I'm going to follow that. "the real me, unguarded and vulnerable"
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
To Give a Link Or To Not Give a Link
Awh, my nails truly dont look like that. rather a shiny, darker shade of purple with a few chips here and there. but what im referring to is rather, tricky..but then again it can be applied to a wide variety of scenarios..okay rather just two, no need to look at me that way.
Scenario Number Uno..(I found out recently that "numero" means "name" in Spanish, not "number;" I truly was a sad flower)Is whether or not i should send the link of my other blog. Im not sure I'll carry through with that one, for I'm a lot more comfortable sharing more personal tidbits on here now that I finally redid my layout. Seems a bit more me, dont ya think?
My other blog post, the only one i have on there, tells the tale of a little girl who was not sure of the events that were taking place but didnt speak up about them..my very night the other day. (that phrase just totally contradicted itself right there ahah) but yes, i completely, well pretty damn near, shut down until a very adorable boy rescued my from my mental rut. he is the other scenario..
Mr.(Blank) Hernandez. haha I'll write his name for i fear no wrath of any others!! haha i really should tho, who knows what crap could happen. but yes, my little summer romance has actually turned up. way up! when it first started i truly thought it was just games to begin with. but now that it seems more...more real than that im afraid ill leave here with a pretty long crack on my heart. i promised myself i wouldnt fall, ive weaved a net in my insides so i wont fall uncontrollably but i know that it will hurt to leave. its just, when i look into his eyes, i see so much more, feeling. but that could just be me putting a film over my eyes. oh how im not sure. but part of me feels secure in letting my feelings stand open bcz of what he's said, and what i can see in his eyes. but yet, in the back of my mind, guns are hot. i dont want to be played, but the other day when i was with him i wanted to blurt out that retched word! oh i know! awful!! i am not sure what im going to do, but i know my heart walked in before the rest of me. lets just hope im not some piece on his game board. wish me luck..
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
"The Truth Speaker.."
Is my name in Krystal's phone.
is it wrong that i want to be more open in my life on this thing?? why am i so afraid that someone will read my blog then out of nowhere i get sued for libel or worse! stupid girl drama sparked by endless nonsense spewed from the mouth of materially mindfucked youth!!
hahah it could happen!
and funny thing, why do all, or well most, alien movies take place in LA? thats like foreshadowing how fucked we are all going to be when the aliens come down to kill the gang bangers in the dirty socal area! lol they wouldnt be able to tell which from which bcz we are all messed up in the head!
but...ahhh...im going to break it to you..i never thought i would, but if i did never so soon...im...PREGNATE!!!!!
HAHAAHAH just kidding! i made a new blog that is more personal than this one, but i think i might intertwine the two. ill see. gotta go!
be back in a loooooooonnnngggg giffy!
is it wrong that i want to be more open in my life on this thing?? why am i so afraid that someone will read my blog then out of nowhere i get sued for libel or worse! stupid girl drama sparked by endless nonsense spewed from the mouth of materially mindfucked youth!!
hahah it could happen!
and funny thing, why do all, or well most, alien movies take place in LA? thats like foreshadowing how fucked we are all going to be when the aliens come down to kill the gang bangers in the dirty socal area! lol they wouldnt be able to tell which from which bcz we are all messed up in the head!
but...ahhh...im going to break it to you..i never thought i would, but if i did never so soon...im...PREGNATE!!!!!
HAHAAHAH just kidding! i made a new blog that is more personal than this one, but i think i might intertwine the two. ill see. gotta go!
be back in a loooooooonnnngggg giffy!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Now it's time to...
...break down everything I wrote on my subway menu(:
Page One:
-I guess it's time to go, I'm just not sure whether or not I'm going to go home.
- I hate estrogen supplements, they turn me into an emotional/mental reck. (points to) Shipwreck on My Mind Cove
Page Two:
- JoJo's "Get Out" plays in the background now. She's used to her mental solitude, but still wonders what impressions she leaves on the world, the people who see her, hear her, watch her. What do they think? What do they know from one simple glance?
- There are two boys outside selling candies and I sit here and winder, "How can they be so brave?" I'd be so fearful of rejection.
- constant fear of rejection, so it's best to just take yourself out of the game. Yeah right. Then you lose every possibility of change.
- How can children be so happy being so naive? Don't they want to know more than they do?
Page Three:
- Don't look at me please. I'm afraid my eyes are more windows than mirrors.
- I need to move. No wonder people hide behind their appearance.
- I just want someone to ask me what I'm thinking, how I feel. What I learned.
- I've never eaten a meal so slow.
- Maybe this is a good thing from San Bernardino. Fucked up people come here because they feel accepted, maybe it's a nice open place. Who knows? I don't.
Page Four:
- I'm just waiting for someone to come in in a wheelchair, since I'm in the only handicapped seat.
- I just bit my lip. I like the way I write.
- I love old Mexican men in cowboy hats, way to stick to tradition when the whole rest of the world hasn't. I tip my invisible hat to you sir.
- I always knew I was a writer in my past life, which is no wonder why I'm so passionate for it now.
- I can't wait to befriend the health lady at my university.
Page Five:
- I furrow my brow to make it look like I'm thinking something COMPLEX. (clouds and lightning bolts)
- I want to let the waterfalls fall from my eyes. Fuck the dam holding them in.
Pages Unseen:
-what are the first things that pop into your mind when you see ME?
- I wish there was a library close to where I live.
- I bet when they look at me they don't assume I'm as intelligent as I truly am?
- I don't feel comfortable looking up at/around my surroundings
- (and also a monster eating a sub platter)
Page One:
-I guess it's time to go, I'm just not sure whether or not I'm going to go home.
- I hate estrogen supplements, they turn me into an emotional/mental reck. (points to) Shipwreck on My Mind Cove
Page Two:
- JoJo's "Get Out" plays in the background now. She's used to her mental solitude, but still wonders what impressions she leaves on the world, the people who see her, hear her, watch her. What do they think? What do they know from one simple glance?
- There are two boys outside selling candies and I sit here and winder, "How can they be so brave?" I'd be so fearful of rejection.
- constant fear of rejection, so it's best to just take yourself out of the game. Yeah right. Then you lose every possibility of change.
- How can children be so happy being so naive? Don't they want to know more than they do?
Page Three:
- Don't look at me please. I'm afraid my eyes are more windows than mirrors.
- I need to move. No wonder people hide behind their appearance.
- I just want someone to ask me what I'm thinking, how I feel. What I learned.
- I've never eaten a meal so slow.
- Maybe this is a good thing from San Bernardino. Fucked up people come here because they feel accepted, maybe it's a nice open place. Who knows? I don't.
Page Four:
- I'm just waiting for someone to come in in a wheelchair, since I'm in the only handicapped seat.
- I just bit my lip. I like the way I write.
- I love old Mexican men in cowboy hats, way to stick to tradition when the whole rest of the world hasn't. I tip my invisible hat to you sir.
- I always knew I was a writer in my past life, which is no wonder why I'm so passionate for it now.
- I can't wait to befriend the health lady at my university.
Page Five:
- I furrow my brow to make it look like I'm thinking something COMPLEX. (clouds and lightning bolts)
- I want to let the waterfalls fall from my eyes. Fuck the dam holding them in.
Pages Unseen:
-what are the first things that pop into your mind when you see ME?
- I wish there was a library close to where I live.
- I bet when they look at me they don't assume I'm as intelligent as I truly am?
- I don't feel comfortable looking up at/around my surroundings
- (and also a monster eating a sub platter)
'Nuff Said
July Eighth. It's a Thursday afternoon, a little after three, not quite half. I'm sitting here enjoying a late lunch, rather my meal of the day. I needed some alone time so I decided to eat here rather than go, this is nice. But I'm not sure I should have this machine out in the open, there is a reason this place bares such a reputation. I was a victim of it all earlier this morning. Just think, I only have a month or so to stay in this rut-stricken setting. It's just one big bowl. Only a select few are chosen to climb out thru the ever thinning straw. Filtered to be pressured to be free. I'm not even hungry anymore, shoot I'm never sure that I even was in the first place. Today has just been blan, no flavored soup here. The more I stay here the more I need to just go. My second bite of subway was well liked. I do feel like I'm the star to my own mellow drama. Watch...(the audience is hesitant for the next plot twist)...Bam! Out of nowhere she's kidnapped and murdered! the end. State my mood here? I'm in a rut of inaction. The audience sees through my framed eyes, they hear the thoughts that enter my ears, read the captions of the words that enter my mind from within. "Hey Soul Sister" plays in the background. The faint noise of customers flutter their noise as a butterfly flutters her wings. "...Watching you is the only drug I need.." Yeah that and a couple of maximized sleeping pills to coat the pain away from an ever sinking heart into a never ending trash bin. I don't belong here. I'm reminded of that everywhere I turn. I have an eye appointment next week, I need to get fitted for contacts so I can fortunately see through a different lens other than my corrupt own.
I chose the booth in the corner and I'm hiding behind my hair. On the way over here I hid behind my Dior sunglasses. On the way back I'll hide behind what I imagine people see me as. The constant person I imagine I am in my head, the person far from the one yielding the pen! (rather the own in charge of the motion in my finger tips) Don't watch me eat because I'll most likely disgust with my lack of care. Awh, that's what that guy was waiting for, six boxes of pizza from the Little Caesar's next door. Hooray! No ones getting laid tonight! I really only hold a small existence in this world. It's so much bigger than I am. I'm only a spec of dust. (She mutters as that one single tear falls down her cheek) I really need to figure out how to italicize things on here. I have profound respect for this janitor lady..She's smiling way too much. I'm jealous of her happiness. I'm jealous of the family feelings that are oozing out of these subway employees.
Sent from my iPad
I chose the booth in the corner and I'm hiding behind my hair. On the way over here I hid behind my Dior sunglasses. On the way back I'll hide behind what I imagine people see me as. The constant person I imagine I am in my head, the person far from the one yielding the pen! (rather the own in charge of the motion in my finger tips) Don't watch me eat because I'll most likely disgust with my lack of care. Awh, that's what that guy was waiting for, six boxes of pizza from the Little Caesar's next door. Hooray! No ones getting laid tonight! I really only hold a small existence in this world. It's so much bigger than I am. I'm only a spec of dust. (She mutters as that one single tear falls down her cheek) I really need to figure out how to italicize things on here. I have profound respect for this janitor lady..She's smiling way too much. I'm jealous of her happiness. I'm jealous of the family feelings that are oozing out of these subway employees.
Sent from my iPad
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