"hey soul sister..the way you move aint fair you know..i dont want o miss a single thing you do tonight"

sitting here in my cave/sanctuary/haven/room.
no one told me that there was pizza
so now im eating the second to last slice
with a breadstick...i love breadsticks!

any who, how was your week?
mine was okay, read my low lights and highlights...

it's nine eleven, now a moment of silence...

okay i'm back..

awhhh text messaging has it's goods and bads.
anyway, my week was full or irritation and happiness.

my birthday was tuesday :)
i didn't get much but then again, i didn't want anything.
i have everything i want with no need of any form of extra
attention or neediness.

"i am just a speck of dust inside a giants eye"

well thursday i got told that i was very pretty and that i need to smile more.
this was said to me by a utility worker at school.. random flirtatiousness or a message?
you decide..

today i forgot that i left my key in my mom's purse so i was stuck outside my grandpa's house for a good twenty minutes. doesn't matter though, i liked the breeze :)

okay, so i have been having interesting and intellectual conversations with noor and today was obviously the most intricate.
we started talking about boys, then religion, beliefs, ethnicities, dreams, and i even gave her some useful advice. haha she said that i should be a therapist.
goshh how many times i've heard that.

i might even consider it haha. i've always known to help other's with there problems but i never know how to deal with my own..

so today i was really disgusted with multiple things. the two that stick out the most is one, my sister's mentality and selfishness, and two, i'm starting to get really grossed out with germs and dirt.

okay for one, my sister has a wicked mentality to where she believes that everyone owes her something and that nothing is her fault. first of all, no ones owes her anything and second of all, she needs to learn how to take responsibility for her actions. she gets disgusting jealous of me bcz i have an ipod touch and a laptop while she doesnt. first of all, i work for my stuff. i get good grades and i help out around the house sometimes...her, on the other hand, not so much. and yet she continues to ask herself why she doesn't get the privileges that i have. she needs a news flash, a desperate need of a reality check.

okay and now for two...haha
today for some reason i got dirty fast. maybe it was bcz i was hopping fences and sitting on my grandpa's deck but still, i was really grossed out. right when i got home i took a long shower and scrubbed myself completely. i dont think i've scrubbed as hard in awhile. i didn't stop until i felt sufficiently clean. i scrubbed the bottom of my feet and legs where i feel i get the dirtiest. earlier i even washed my feet after my shower bcz they felt disgustingly dirty. usually i'm always barefoot and running around but today i was highly disturbed. my feet feel disgustingly dirty right now. i think i'm going to go wash them when i get up but still, i'm never usually this grossed out by stuff. it surprised me.

awhh this weekend is going to be busy and all i want to do is sleep.

run baby run

dont ever look back.

broken hearted.

this is so hard. i never knew i can hurt this bad. i haven't cried this much in months.

"you were my everything.
i gave you everything.
more than i had.
i loved you with all my heart.
i gave you the key.
but it couldnt stop
you from hurting me.
you have no idea
how broken i am."

you want to remain close but that's not going to happen for awhile. i know myself more than you, i know how i handle such things. its funny how i already know how im going to mend. im going to end up resenting everyone, then completely isolating myself from the rest of my world. i'm going to need something to fill the emptiness that is inside me. i just hope i chose wisely. bcz i know that whatever i choose is not going to be the best choice. i hope i can do this.

"i have a yearning to fill the void that is inside.
a need to fill that empty space in my heart
that you didn't hesitate to make.
i am broken, how can i become hole again?"

you may think you know but honestly you have no idea what affect you had over me. past tense is the key to moving on from inner misery.

haha break up over aim, typical. i dont have time for you? lie. don't you know that ive given up so much for you? how i gave you everything. i have nothing left. i hurt so much inside, how am i going to hide this? how can i hide the hurt that is building up inside? i hope you hurt as much as me. no, no i dont, i would never want to wish this upon someone else. i just hope you realize what you've done before it's too late.
the only way i could ever resent you is if you made me feel this way and now that you have, good luck.
im sorry im working for something in my life. i told you this from the get go that junior year was going to be crazy but you said you'd work through it with me. did you? are you? not anymore. way to eat your words.
ha this does sound harsh and im sorry but i need to say something. i cant keep this bottled up forever.
i'm not unstable. well no i am. i wonder why? who's fault could that be?
it's not a break up because i didnt do anything wrong i guess. wait may i add that this a break up. it is a break up. we did break up. ahh it seems so fake. as if im in a bad dream. i want to wake up but in truth, this is now my reality. i loved you with every essence of my being. i wanted to grow old with you. but i guess that dream will never come true. so much for wishing on 11:11.
you dont know how many times i did that. the same wish over and over again to make sure that it will come true. look at where i am now.
how can i not be sad? as much as i dont want to be it's inevitable the feelings that are coming over me.
"ok i'll let you go"
"you already did"
"why would you say that?"
because it's true. you let me go a long time before you said you did and yet i failed to realize it. if i would have known it wouldn't of hurt me this much. but i was so in-denial that you could ever feel this way. after all, you did love me right?
ha how i was so naive. i shouldn't of let you hurt me this way. but in truth, i would of rather loved and gotten heart broken then never having loved at all.

there is no way of letting this end on good terms. you're over me and now i have to try my hardest to get over you. ahh this still doesnt feel real. i wonder how monday is going to feel? i wonder if i will able to hold it all in. just one look at you might send me crashing. please let me be strong.
you screwed me over. now look what i am going to become. not some monster or anything of the sort but more of, an internal demolisher. try to figure that one out.

"its not like your losing me forever im still here whenever you need me"
yeah right. go ahead and run away.

"i love you with everything and if you were here i'd be holding you tight"
it still wouldnt change anything. only if we were together. it would of given you the opportunity to see how you broke me.

you'll still love me forever. bull. how can you love someone but still hurt them so much? how can you just not look down when they are there broken and on their knees? crying out for you while you stand there covering your hears not wanted to take the blame for making your 'loved one' hurt this much.

"i want to show you that i really love you."
and how are you going to do that?
"by giving my heart to you"
you should of done that when you first told me you loved me.
if you really truly love me like you say you wouldn't of let this happen. you wouldn't of hammered at my already broken heart in hopes of creating your own damage.

oh how will i get through this? will i ever will?

yes. i will. it is going to be a mighty struggle but i am strong.

try this in the future? good luck.

"okay, i love you! bye"

goodbye.

it happens everytime

he talks about fighting.
the images in my mind
that form with that one single word.
the screaming... i can hear it
still.
i cant take it when i think about that day
i cant control what comes into my head
i cant block the images that should be dead.
im scarred for life
bcz of that single day.
and yet you wonder why i dont like fighting?
you didn't see what i saw.
you didn't hear what i heard.
you didn't feel how i felt.
you wont ever be scarred by that day
bcz it wasn't for you to witness,
even now i dont want to tell you
i dont want to poison someone else's mind
bcz i feel like sharing what happened to mine.

last nights dream

i had two
one was about him
and one was about you.

the first one was about my brother
all day yesterday i was holding onto him
just to keep him safe
for if anything happened to him
i wouldn't be alive anymore.
in my dream there were people chasing us
it was like a maze of fences
it was ridiculous
after running around for what seemed like eternity
the people chasing us caught up.
i let them take me
so my brother would have the chance to go
and to run
and be safe.

my other dream
brought back horrendous memories
of my past
and my feelings
and my fears.
i had a dream
that he admitted that he cheated on her
and i couldn't tell if she would let him stay
or make him go.
she was destroyed
but stayed strong
bcz in reality
she knew that he had
but in all fantasy
she hoped that he didn't.
its a fear of mine
to see her heart
her shield broken
the one that protected us
that no longer has power.
if that sense of reality hits
who will be the one to save her?

epiphany

dont you see the sacrifices i take
in order to make you happy?
the chances i take
for you to not feel pain
i was never this way
i never used to care
but with you
i wouldn't dare
to stab at you
as you do me.
i go along with what you say
because i dont want you to be hurt.
i rather hurt me
then have you feel pain.
i dont enjoy the same things you do
so when i let you have your way
its only benefiting you
you may think thats its what i want
but in truth
it's all for you.
you like the power
the control i let you
have over me
for if i take demand
you wont like it.
you'll want to hurt me
because im stepping up to help myself.
you feel powerless
when your not in command.
dont you think that i dont know
what you feel,
what you know.
im in your head.
but i dont make an effect.
i see through your eyes
but you still try and take control
you didnt have control when you were younger
so now your taking that revenge on me
trying to feel
what you should of felt on me
dont you see?
i already know too much.
i can easily hurt you but i dont.
i wont take the risk
for i love you too much.

just please, for me
listen to what i say.
dont just hear it.
listen. take it in.
take your actions
but show that you know
how i feel
show me that you love me
and you really care.
bcz if you dont
i no longer will be here.

news flash

we've had enough warnings
we've had enough chances,
when will you learn?
will you ever learn?
when will you realize that
enough is enough?
when one say's no
it often means no.
why dont you learn from your mistakes?
you say you do,
but i beg to differ.
you dont.
you only realize when a bomb explodes.
that you are no longer in control.
that's when you fear your breaking.
you've gone through something like this before
why is it taking you so long to realize what's happening now?
dont you fear that you wont have the 'one' anymore.
the more you chase her away
the more you disregard her feelings
the more she is going to run
far far away from your grasp
and you wont be able to get her back.
you'll lose her forever.
will it take an effect then?
when you no longer have anything
is that when you will learn?
please tell me now
so that i know
if i need to stay
or i need to go.

boiling point

i want to release the pressure
that is hidden in the crevices of my being.
the only thing is,
i cant find it.
i cant find a way of getting it out.
i feel the need to release it,
but if i do...
would i know how to feel afterwards?
once the crack spreads...
it will shatter the glass
that holds my feelings.
and once it does..
you wont be able to hold onto the railings.
you may think you're capable of handling such thing
but i know that you are not.
once i say something.
you'll start to break.
it's no good
if we have two halves
with no way of becoming a whole.
if one doesn't want to take the sacrifice
to not be alone.

bubbling over...

bubbling over
past the place of saving.
time bomb in the making.

one more strike and I'm out.
one more worry and I'll break.
go back to the way i was,
more scars, more tears, more cracks
to my already broken heart.

would you want to do that to me?
i don't think you would
but in all honesty, you are.

the more you say that it doesn't matter
the greater importance it becomes to me.
the more you take that risk
the more i want to run away.

the more it looks like you don't care
the greater chance i'll run to someone who does.

you don't know how close I'm getting to locking myself
up in my arms and never opening up again.

i say do this, for me
but you go on bcz i didn't say anything.
before it happened.

you say you love me,
stop being selfish.
your only hurting me
pass the point of obscurity.

it's been awhile.

and i've just had the sudden urge to start crying...
to sit here and break down.

will you be able to handle me then?
when i no longer feel like going on
would you be able to save me?
are you strong enough
to keep me from heading face first off a cliff?
or would you think thats what i want
and let me fall?

are you capable of making a choice?
or taking precautions
to protect the ones you love?

can you risk what you want
for something that you need?

are you able to move past yourself
for the one you say you love?

to get help from above
if you know your not good enough?