okay

lets see, i just read over my older posts and read the comments that were left on them. thank you to all who commented (the three of you) i am happy people read what i write and can interpret the multiple meanings to my words. anonymous, whoever you are thank you for reading my articles in the school paper and my blog, i appreciate all of your comments and i hope my future and past writings have inspired you to think and live life to your fullest potential. and auntie, i love you.
gosh there is so much that not many people know about me, i wish i could just open myself up so one can read the many pages i have logged in my heart and soul. maybe one day i can copy the pages down so outside viewers can get a glimpse of who i am through spirit and mind. i wonder if the way i think is similar to the way others think, just not what i think about but how i think about the things i think. i hope you can catch all that. every word is just flowing from me right now to when i read over this it is going to be all jagged and unique. gosh i just felt so inspired and touched about those three comments i read. they made me feel important in a world where individuality is swallowed by the darkness of conformity's shadow. i hope more can just feel a slight bit moved my the words i am destined to speak. let me know your views and feelings on each and everyone of my entries whether you have positives views or not.

srry i am late but i will be back often soon!

until then let me just blog about what is going on in this head of mine.

i dont understand why (ignorant) people make such a fuss about gay, bisexual or transgender people. why cant people respect one another and not degrade them on their sexuality? i mean what do they gain out of it but having others view them as vile and disgusting? i just don't understand how one can say such harsh things about something they have no idea what it is all about. shoot, everyone knows im already out. i just dont understand the psychological aspect of it all. what is wrong with being gay? you tell me and we will discuss it.

balls outttt

I don’t see how it is so hard for someone to just go out there and do it. Doesn’t matter what it is but just having the balls to get out there and just do anything is honestly what I want. I can only fake it so far. Why can’t I just do it? What is up with me? Why do I let people get to me? I let their views contaminate my mind whether I know what they’re thinking or not. I should just go. Now I’m going to make that change and just get out there. Tomorrow I’m going to make that step. No more backing down for the dreadful case. I’m me. Either you like it or ignore it, I’m going to stay me. It’s time to experiment and thrive.

Long time...

Hey, I'm back ya (try saying that in a country accent) haha
anywho, it's been awhile since my last blg, Internet is outta
wack back home. A few things have been up, nothing entirely
out of the ordinary. Andrew and I are sorta together sorta not together.
It's all up to me I suppose. Whether I chose this path or the next,
I just want to find one that's right and will pay off in the long run,
the only problem with that whole scenario is that idk what to chose,
I'm so indecisive it blows my mind, good luck to me I suppose.
Things back home are same 'ol same 'ol. Drama, tensions and pressure
all reside where love is found. Oh don't forget abuse inmany forms in
my case, that's for another time tho, no need to get into all that now.
Schools going good, second edition of the oracle just came out before
break, my cutting story is in that one. A lot of good views and a lot of bad.
Opinions are opinions. The only reason I wrote that article is so my mom
could get a clue about what's really going on with me, she has yet to figure anything
out...
Polo is doing great:) I love the sport and swimming isn't that far away,
I'm excites for all of that.
Ah the new year is here, time to get on with lif

volcano overload

people make me sick and i want to cry. i get so irritated with a-holes its unbelievable. i am unhappy with the current circumstances of my environment.
i don't want to be here anymore. the people who i am surrounded with is
disgusting. their mentality is through the roof. no wonder there is a problem with the whole function of their brain. all they do is smoke out. no wonder their lives are nothing but shit. and who do they have to blame? themselves. but who do they chose to blame? everyone else..
how funny. they function like a bunch of three year olds. they react with more emotion than intellect. no wonder they are so stupid. grow the eff up. you are only making your self look stupider with each puff. each inhale pulls you farther and farther into the depth of unintelligence. you knew that from the beginning. shows how much you care about your own being.

"hey soul sister..the way you move aint fair you know..i dont want o miss a single thing you do tonight"

sitting here in my cave/sanctuary/haven/room.
no one told me that there was pizza
so now im eating the second to last slice
with a breadstick...i love breadsticks!

any who, how was your week?
mine was okay, read my low lights and highlights...

it's nine eleven, now a moment of silence...

okay i'm back..

awhhh text messaging has it's goods and bads.
anyway, my week was full or irritation and happiness.

my birthday was tuesday :)
i didn't get much but then again, i didn't want anything.
i have everything i want with no need of any form of extra
attention or neediness.

"i am just a speck of dust inside a giants eye"

well thursday i got told that i was very pretty and that i need to smile more.
this was said to me by a utility worker at school.. random flirtatiousness or a message?
you decide..

today i forgot that i left my key in my mom's purse so i was stuck outside my grandpa's house for a good twenty minutes. doesn't matter though, i liked the breeze :)

okay, so i have been having interesting and intellectual conversations with noor and today was obviously the most intricate.
we started talking about boys, then religion, beliefs, ethnicities, dreams, and i even gave her some useful advice. haha she said that i should be a therapist.
goshh how many times i've heard that.

i might even consider it haha. i've always known to help other's with there problems but i never know how to deal with my own..

so today i was really disgusted with multiple things. the two that stick out the most is one, my sister's mentality and selfishness, and two, i'm starting to get really grossed out with germs and dirt.

okay for one, my sister has a wicked mentality to where she believes that everyone owes her something and that nothing is her fault. first of all, no ones owes her anything and second of all, she needs to learn how to take responsibility for her actions. she gets disgusting jealous of me bcz i have an ipod touch and a laptop while she doesnt. first of all, i work for my stuff. i get good grades and i help out around the house sometimes...her, on the other hand, not so much. and yet she continues to ask herself why she doesn't get the privileges that i have. she needs a news flash, a desperate need of a reality check.

okay and now for two...haha
today for some reason i got dirty fast. maybe it was bcz i was hopping fences and sitting on my grandpa's deck but still, i was really grossed out. right when i got home i took a long shower and scrubbed myself completely. i dont think i've scrubbed as hard in awhile. i didn't stop until i felt sufficiently clean. i scrubbed the bottom of my feet and legs where i feel i get the dirtiest. earlier i even washed my feet after my shower bcz they felt disgustingly dirty. usually i'm always barefoot and running around but today i was highly disturbed. my feet feel disgustingly dirty right now. i think i'm going to go wash them when i get up but still, i'm never usually this grossed out by stuff. it surprised me.

awhh this weekend is going to be busy and all i want to do is sleep.

run baby run

dont ever look back.

broken hearted.

this is so hard. i never knew i can hurt this bad. i haven't cried this much in months.

"you were my everything.
i gave you everything.
more than i had.
i loved you with all my heart.
i gave you the key.
but it couldnt stop
you from hurting me.
you have no idea
how broken i am."

you want to remain close but that's not going to happen for awhile. i know myself more than you, i know how i handle such things. its funny how i already know how im going to mend. im going to end up resenting everyone, then completely isolating myself from the rest of my world. i'm going to need something to fill the emptiness that is inside me. i just hope i chose wisely. bcz i know that whatever i choose is not going to be the best choice. i hope i can do this.

"i have a yearning to fill the void that is inside.
a need to fill that empty space in my heart
that you didn't hesitate to make.
i am broken, how can i become hole again?"

you may think you know but honestly you have no idea what affect you had over me. past tense is the key to moving on from inner misery.

haha break up over aim, typical. i dont have time for you? lie. don't you know that ive given up so much for you? how i gave you everything. i have nothing left. i hurt so much inside, how am i going to hide this? how can i hide the hurt that is building up inside? i hope you hurt as much as me. no, no i dont, i would never want to wish this upon someone else. i just hope you realize what you've done before it's too late.
the only way i could ever resent you is if you made me feel this way and now that you have, good luck.
im sorry im working for something in my life. i told you this from the get go that junior year was going to be crazy but you said you'd work through it with me. did you? are you? not anymore. way to eat your words.
ha this does sound harsh and im sorry but i need to say something. i cant keep this bottled up forever.
i'm not unstable. well no i am. i wonder why? who's fault could that be?
it's not a break up because i didnt do anything wrong i guess. wait may i add that this a break up. it is a break up. we did break up. ahh it seems so fake. as if im in a bad dream. i want to wake up but in truth, this is now my reality. i loved you with every essence of my being. i wanted to grow old with you. but i guess that dream will never come true. so much for wishing on 11:11.
you dont know how many times i did that. the same wish over and over again to make sure that it will come true. look at where i am now.
how can i not be sad? as much as i dont want to be it's inevitable the feelings that are coming over me.
"ok i'll let you go"
"you already did"
"why would you say that?"
because it's true. you let me go a long time before you said you did and yet i failed to realize it. if i would have known it wouldn't of hurt me this much. but i was so in-denial that you could ever feel this way. after all, you did love me right?
ha how i was so naive. i shouldn't of let you hurt me this way. but in truth, i would of rather loved and gotten heart broken then never having loved at all.

there is no way of letting this end on good terms. you're over me and now i have to try my hardest to get over you. ahh this still doesnt feel real. i wonder how monday is going to feel? i wonder if i will able to hold it all in. just one look at you might send me crashing. please let me be strong.
you screwed me over. now look what i am going to become. not some monster or anything of the sort but more of, an internal demolisher. try to figure that one out.

"its not like your losing me forever im still here whenever you need me"
yeah right. go ahead and run away.

"i love you with everything and if you were here i'd be holding you tight"
it still wouldnt change anything. only if we were together. it would of given you the opportunity to see how you broke me.

you'll still love me forever. bull. how can you love someone but still hurt them so much? how can you just not look down when they are there broken and on their knees? crying out for you while you stand there covering your hears not wanted to take the blame for making your 'loved one' hurt this much.

"i want to show you that i really love you."
and how are you going to do that?
"by giving my heart to you"
you should of done that when you first told me you loved me.
if you really truly love me like you say you wouldn't of let this happen. you wouldn't of hammered at my already broken heart in hopes of creating your own damage.

oh how will i get through this? will i ever will?

yes. i will. it is going to be a mighty struggle but i am strong.

try this in the future? good luck.

"okay, i love you! bye"

goodbye.

it happens everytime

he talks about fighting.
the images in my mind
that form with that one single word.
the screaming... i can hear it
still.
i cant take it when i think about that day
i cant control what comes into my head
i cant block the images that should be dead.
im scarred for life
bcz of that single day.
and yet you wonder why i dont like fighting?
you didn't see what i saw.
you didn't hear what i heard.
you didn't feel how i felt.
you wont ever be scarred by that day
bcz it wasn't for you to witness,
even now i dont want to tell you
i dont want to poison someone else's mind
bcz i feel like sharing what happened to mine.

last nights dream

i had two
one was about him
and one was about you.

the first one was about my brother
all day yesterday i was holding onto him
just to keep him safe
for if anything happened to him
i wouldn't be alive anymore.
in my dream there were people chasing us
it was like a maze of fences
it was ridiculous
after running around for what seemed like eternity
the people chasing us caught up.
i let them take me
so my brother would have the chance to go
and to run
and be safe.

my other dream
brought back horrendous memories
of my past
and my feelings
and my fears.
i had a dream
that he admitted that he cheated on her
and i couldn't tell if she would let him stay
or make him go.
she was destroyed
but stayed strong
bcz in reality
she knew that he had
but in all fantasy
she hoped that he didn't.
its a fear of mine
to see her heart
her shield broken
the one that protected us
that no longer has power.
if that sense of reality hits
who will be the one to save her?