To Bring About Change..

My recent blogs have been all about my inner feelings and emotions, but I think I am going to add one more genre to my endless writing nonsense. I was on Lookbook.nu earlier and I got inspired to be a tad bit different. I know that i usually don't write about fashion, but more of personal entries but I think I am going to make a change of that. I want to expand my horizons into more of the fashion world and if that means posting photos of my fashion sense onto my blog and then writing about it, then so be it. I always like to talk about nearly everything but I tend to stick to problems rather then "things," I guess you can say, on my blog. Ah I keep beating around the bush I think. I guess this whole post was just a release for me to believe, start, and get going on bringing about change to my never ending blog. I hope I dont disappoint.

Situation.

I have a dilema. I know I like girls and all but does that bring out my masculinity? I guess my real question is, do I look gay? Bcz I like boys also but I don't want my physical appearance to be a turn off for guys. What do you think? I know I should just be comfortable but maybe deep down there are a few more problems besides how I look.

Today.

Today is going to be fun, different. Right now I'm visiting my grandparents with my sister. It has been going well, I love spending time with them but I mean you have to be on your best behavior always right?

Life.

Life has been a bit awry lately, but i suppose that is the outcome of the path that my life has chosen lately. to be honest, i dont know how i stand with anything anymore. i am pretty lost. i just hope that this week away will help me get things on track. i hope so. i had a lot more to say but i guess its all lost now. i cant put things into words right right now. im just too scrambled in my mind to write everythying down right now. i will later tho. whoever reads this, comment it. i would like to know how my words are interpretted into the mind of others.

okay

lets see, i just read over my older posts and read the comments that were left on them. thank you to all who commented (the three of you) i am happy people read what i write and can interpret the multiple meanings to my words. anonymous, whoever you are thank you for reading my articles in the school paper and my blog, i appreciate all of your comments and i hope my future and past writings have inspired you to think and live life to your fullest potential. and auntie, i love you.
gosh there is so much that not many people know about me, i wish i could just open myself up so one can read the many pages i have logged in my heart and soul. maybe one day i can copy the pages down so outside viewers can get a glimpse of who i am through spirit and mind. i wonder if the way i think is similar to the way others think, just not what i think about but how i think about the things i think. i hope you can catch all that. every word is just flowing from me right now to when i read over this it is going to be all jagged and unique. gosh i just felt so inspired and touched about those three comments i read. they made me feel important in a world where individuality is swallowed by the darkness of conformity's shadow. i hope more can just feel a slight bit moved my the words i am destined to speak. let me know your views and feelings on each and everyone of my entries whether you have positives views or not.

srry i am late but i will be back often soon!

until then let me just blog about what is going on in this head of mine.

i dont understand why (ignorant) people make such a fuss about gay, bisexual or transgender people. why cant people respect one another and not degrade them on their sexuality? i mean what do they gain out of it but having others view them as vile and disgusting? i just don't understand how one can say such harsh things about something they have no idea what it is all about. shoot, everyone knows im already out. i just dont understand the psychological aspect of it all. what is wrong with being gay? you tell me and we will discuss it.

balls outttt

I don’t see how it is so hard for someone to just go out there and do it. Doesn’t matter what it is but just having the balls to get out there and just do anything is honestly what I want. I can only fake it so far. Why can’t I just do it? What is up with me? Why do I let people get to me? I let their views contaminate my mind whether I know what they’re thinking or not. I should just go. Now I’m going to make that change and just get out there. Tomorrow I’m going to make that step. No more backing down for the dreadful case. I’m me. Either you like it or ignore it, I’m going to stay me. It’s time to experiment and thrive.

Long time...

Hey, I'm back ya (try saying that in a country accent) haha
anywho, it's been awhile since my last blg, Internet is outta
wack back home. A few things have been up, nothing entirely
out of the ordinary. Andrew and I are sorta together sorta not together.
It's all up to me I suppose. Whether I chose this path or the next,
I just want to find one that's right and will pay off in the long run,
the only problem with that whole scenario is that idk what to chose,
I'm so indecisive it blows my mind, good luck to me I suppose.
Things back home are same 'ol same 'ol. Drama, tensions and pressure
all reside where love is found. Oh don't forget abuse inmany forms in
my case, that's for another time tho, no need to get into all that now.
Schools going good, second edition of the oracle just came out before
break, my cutting story is in that one. A lot of good views and a lot of bad.
Opinions are opinions. The only reason I wrote that article is so my mom
could get a clue about what's really going on with me, she has yet to figure anything
out...
Polo is doing great:) I love the sport and swimming isn't that far away,
I'm excites for all of that.
Ah the new year is here, time to get on with lif

volcano overload

people make me sick and i want to cry. i get so irritated with a-holes its unbelievable. i am unhappy with the current circumstances of my environment.
i don't want to be here anymore. the people who i am surrounded with is
disgusting. their mentality is through the roof. no wonder there is a problem with the whole function of their brain. all they do is smoke out. no wonder their lives are nothing but shit. and who do they have to blame? themselves. but who do they chose to blame? everyone else..
how funny. they function like a bunch of three year olds. they react with more emotion than intellect. no wonder they are so stupid. grow the eff up. you are only making your self look stupider with each puff. each inhale pulls you farther and farther into the depth of unintelligence. you knew that from the beginning. shows how much you care about your own being.

"hey soul sister..the way you move aint fair you know..i dont want o miss a single thing you do tonight"

sitting here in my cave/sanctuary/haven/room.
no one told me that there was pizza
so now im eating the second to last slice
with a breadstick...i love breadsticks!

any who, how was your week?
mine was okay, read my low lights and highlights...

it's nine eleven, now a moment of silence...

okay i'm back..

awhhh text messaging has it's goods and bads.
anyway, my week was full or irritation and happiness.

my birthday was tuesday :)
i didn't get much but then again, i didn't want anything.
i have everything i want with no need of any form of extra
attention or neediness.

"i am just a speck of dust inside a giants eye"

well thursday i got told that i was very pretty and that i need to smile more.
this was said to me by a utility worker at school.. random flirtatiousness or a message?
you decide..

today i forgot that i left my key in my mom's purse so i was stuck outside my grandpa's house for a good twenty minutes. doesn't matter though, i liked the breeze :)

okay, so i have been having interesting and intellectual conversations with noor and today was obviously the most intricate.
we started talking about boys, then religion, beliefs, ethnicities, dreams, and i even gave her some useful advice. haha she said that i should be a therapist.
goshh how many times i've heard that.

i might even consider it haha. i've always known to help other's with there problems but i never know how to deal with my own..

so today i was really disgusted with multiple things. the two that stick out the most is one, my sister's mentality and selfishness, and two, i'm starting to get really grossed out with germs and dirt.

okay for one, my sister has a wicked mentality to where she believes that everyone owes her something and that nothing is her fault. first of all, no ones owes her anything and second of all, she needs to learn how to take responsibility for her actions. she gets disgusting jealous of me bcz i have an ipod touch and a laptop while she doesnt. first of all, i work for my stuff. i get good grades and i help out around the house sometimes...her, on the other hand, not so much. and yet she continues to ask herself why she doesn't get the privileges that i have. she needs a news flash, a desperate need of a reality check.

okay and now for two...haha
today for some reason i got dirty fast. maybe it was bcz i was hopping fences and sitting on my grandpa's deck but still, i was really grossed out. right when i got home i took a long shower and scrubbed myself completely. i dont think i've scrubbed as hard in awhile. i didn't stop until i felt sufficiently clean. i scrubbed the bottom of my feet and legs where i feel i get the dirtiest. earlier i even washed my feet after my shower bcz they felt disgustingly dirty. usually i'm always barefoot and running around but today i was highly disturbed. my feet feel disgustingly dirty right now. i think i'm going to go wash them when i get up but still, i'm never usually this grossed out by stuff. it surprised me.

awhh this weekend is going to be busy and all i want to do is sleep.