It's Time To Blog About My Feelings, But First...

i need something to drink. okay now that im back. i guess i better go. (sorry for the lower case "i"s that bugs me but im just too lazy to push the caps button on and off so oh well)

i'm finally coming home tomorrow. i have yet to figure out whether i am happy to do so or not. i guess its both. i am happy bcz i can go home and just be loud. i cant really do that hear so im excited to just scream. second, all my stuff is at home. the place i feel most comfortable in is in my bedroom, so i cant wait to get back to that. i also dont want to go home bcz i dont want to be consumed in the stress of my everyday home life. you wont believe the nonsense i go thru nearly everyday and sometimes i just cant take it. staying here helps me get away from all of that but i guess thats life and i have to get back to it. just think, ill be leaving again hopefully soon to take on a new adventure and i am looking forward to that.

about my visit here, i have been both inspired and beaten.to me the two go together. i have been inspired to change my life. get rid of the disgusting aspects of it all and start fresh and anew. being here, in burbank and hollywood makes me realize that i really want change in my life. in nearly all aspects. for one, the simpliest one. the way i dress and present myself. i have been so inspired here to look differently and dress differently that i actually cut most of my hair off and bought entirely new clothes from my regular norm. i want change. i want to be different. i want to atleast accomplish that my senior year since i failed to do so in my past years of dreaded high school. the other thing i have been inspired to change is my environment. i want to rearrange my room to be my haven, a place where i can cherishh all sides of my being, all levels of my emotions. i want it to be MY place. no room for insecurites and worries. i want it to be a place of rescue and relaxation. i place where i looked forward to just standing in for who knows amount of time. a clean place for one. i cant stand dirtiness and what i have been living in recently is the exact opposite of my actuall home life. everything here is so clean and simple. at home it is the exact opposite. im not saying we're dirty or anything but living with seven other people isnt exactly pleasant. okay so two of the seven visit every so often it still creates a havic. so there is one motivation for a clean change. i just want to disinfect everything! and damn it i will.

aww the one thing about coming to my grandparents is that i always leave thinking differently. so much is different that i want to think and be different also. living with them this past week makes me want to be like them in a sense. simple and sophisticated. i just want my own life. none of this stupid teenage nonsense. i just want to be me and i dont want any of this high school stuff to hold me back. like i told a friend of mine, i already feel ready for college except im stuck in high school still. i feel so much more than and average high school student. i know i have similar struggles as one but i feel like i have surpassed all odds going thru what i did last year. i dont have many friends anymore and i was a cutter. in fact i cant even say was because i dont know whether or not i will do it again. things just totally changed and i know it was for the better bcz if it wasnt it just never would of happends and i dont regret anything that happened in my past bcz it has made me who i am today. i just wish that i didnt have to cry as much as i did and feel as low as i have. but i guess all that made me stronger and yet i am still struggling. i am still struggling to find myself. i dont know who i am. i sometimes think i do and then something happens that makes me question that. i just want to be in a different level of my life, a much simpler one where i have time to figure out myself and quite frankly right now time is not on my side. the days are going by so fast now that idk what i have done since school was over. i just want to feel accomplished and motivated and different. i guess writing this has made me realize some of the things i am questining but it hasnt helped me figure out all of the answers.

for one, what am i doing about her? the hell with it,i dont know. i dont know any of the answers when it comes to her. she is different, but i cant accept the fact at times that is it best that i have her as a firend then not have her at all. i guess knowing that being with her was different that i cant let it go but i need to bcz when i was with her i was happy. i just wantt to be happy. i guess im in a lonely rut. thats it. the thing is, i dont feel whole. writing this i feel like my glass is half empty instead of half full. i want to feel full. at elast partially complete. i hate the years i am going thru now. that whole "have to find yourseld" bullshit. i just want to know but its not about the destination once you get there its about the climb. and i need to realize that. better yet i need to accept it.

gosh this blog is just a whole bunch of ramblings but its whats going on in my head and heart.

my mom just informed me that my sister received better grades then i did this past year. you know what, i dont care. i was going thru a lot and my schooling reflects that and i need to accept that also. its life, the worse you can do is hold a grudge against it and that brings me to something.

i dont have my life or the world i live in, i just dislike the imperfect qualities of it. i nearly always find myself asking, "why cant my life be better" or "why cant my life be like that" or the best one "why do i have this life" what am i to gain from all of the drama and problems i am thrown into. it feels like the answer to that question is experience and strength. experience to know what to do and strenght to complete it.

i do so want to move onto another level of my life bcz i feel as if i am finished with this one.a lot of negative events happened that i just want to move on and forget rather then accept and learn. i dont want to accept anything, i want to go back and change it all but that is not the answer. i dont want to own up to all of my faults and bad choices, i just want to forget them all and remember life as if it was perfect instead of knowing that its not and nver will be. i dont want accept the life i have been giving. but until then i do need to know that i have been blessed. even if i have yet to realize what those blessings are, its coming to me that i ahve been given this life to complete a mission and for know all i know what i need to do is to write and let fate guide my wway.

all i have to do is right and ill be happy. my blog is where i feel the most purest. everytime i create a new post and let words flow from my heart thru my fingers i feel a heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders and heart. i have a way to just speak without knowing what to say or watch what i say. i feel most me when i write bcz i let what im meant to say come thru me to whoever it is suppose to go to. i dont have anything against any of my writings or blogs or anything really. my words leave feelings in others that i can only hope with benefit them. i'm just happy i can affect others in a postive way instead of harm them. i mean im not evil. my negativity comes from my jealous of the perfect. how i want to reach that goal in life. how i need to accept that there is no such thing. until then i am just stuck to be what i hope i truly am and not some vile persona. i hope everyone knows who they are and dont have to wait so long to discover that. afterall, its all in the climb.


i guess i will go now, this blog is scrambled enough. i finally understand why she said that i "reside where love is found." i hope others realize that she has always been right.

Gosh.

I don't think girls, theyvate far too confusing. Especially her. Man this is retarded and I kinda don't want to vent about it on here but I have no one else to dump all my worries on so I will to the web of wide worlds. I know why I can't get over here, I've known all along. The only way to do sinus to find someone to take her place but I can't find anyone like her.

Can You Bleed Like Me?

"Bleed Like Me" by Garbage

"Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin
And when she does relief comes setting in
While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes
She sings: Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?"

I honestly doubt that anyone can bleed like me.
But who am I to make such assumptions.
I don't know what dark circles surround others.
But I do know which ones live inside me.

To Bring About Change..

My recent blogs have been all about my inner feelings and emotions, but I think I am going to add one more genre to my endless writing nonsense. I was on Lookbook.nu earlier and I got inspired to be a tad bit different. I know that i usually don't write about fashion, but more of personal entries but I think I am going to make a change of that. I want to expand my horizons into more of the fashion world and if that means posting photos of my fashion sense onto my blog and then writing about it, then so be it. I always like to talk about nearly everything but I tend to stick to problems rather then "things," I guess you can say, on my blog. Ah I keep beating around the bush I think. I guess this whole post was just a release for me to believe, start, and get going on bringing about change to my never ending blog. I hope I dont disappoint.

Situation.

I have a dilema. I know I like girls and all but does that bring out my masculinity? I guess my real question is, do I look gay? Bcz I like boys also but I don't want my physical appearance to be a turn off for guys. What do you think? I know I should just be comfortable but maybe deep down there are a few more problems besides how I look.

Today.

Today is going to be fun, different. Right now I'm visiting my grandparents with my sister. It has been going well, I love spending time with them but I mean you have to be on your best behavior always right?

Life.

Life has been a bit awry lately, but i suppose that is the outcome of the path that my life has chosen lately. to be honest, i dont know how i stand with anything anymore. i am pretty lost. i just hope that this week away will help me get things on track. i hope so. i had a lot more to say but i guess its all lost now. i cant put things into words right right now. im just too scrambled in my mind to write everythying down right now. i will later tho. whoever reads this, comment it. i would like to know how my words are interpretted into the mind of others.

okay

lets see, i just read over my older posts and read the comments that were left on them. thank you to all who commented (the three of you) i am happy people read what i write and can interpret the multiple meanings to my words. anonymous, whoever you are thank you for reading my articles in the school paper and my blog, i appreciate all of your comments and i hope my future and past writings have inspired you to think and live life to your fullest potential. and auntie, i love you.
gosh there is so much that not many people know about me, i wish i could just open myself up so one can read the many pages i have logged in my heart and soul. maybe one day i can copy the pages down so outside viewers can get a glimpse of who i am through spirit and mind. i wonder if the way i think is similar to the way others think, just not what i think about but how i think about the things i think. i hope you can catch all that. every word is just flowing from me right now to when i read over this it is going to be all jagged and unique. gosh i just felt so inspired and touched about those three comments i read. they made me feel important in a world where individuality is swallowed by the darkness of conformity's shadow. i hope more can just feel a slight bit moved my the words i am destined to speak. let me know your views and feelings on each and everyone of my entries whether you have positives views or not.

srry i am late but i will be back often soon!

until then let me just blog about what is going on in this head of mine.

i dont understand why (ignorant) people make such a fuss about gay, bisexual or transgender people. why cant people respect one another and not degrade them on their sexuality? i mean what do they gain out of it but having others view them as vile and disgusting? i just don't understand how one can say such harsh things about something they have no idea what it is all about. shoot, everyone knows im already out. i just dont understand the psychological aspect of it all. what is wrong with being gay? you tell me and we will discuss it.

balls outttt

I don’t see how it is so hard for someone to just go out there and do it. Doesn’t matter what it is but just having the balls to get out there and just do anything is honestly what I want. I can only fake it so far. Why can’t I just do it? What is up with me? Why do I let people get to me? I let their views contaminate my mind whether I know what they’re thinking or not. I should just go. Now I’m going to make that change and just get out there. Tomorrow I’m going to make that step. No more backing down for the dreadful case. I’m me. Either you like it or ignore it, I’m going to stay me. It’s time to experiment and thrive.