Let the alphabet soup chose...

A bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

Hmm...A.
Here is to a very nice guy with interesting intentions..we developed a thing a few months ago but it only lasted..well it wasn't very long. And here he is back in my life. But the thing that bugs me, is we hadn't really talked since February at the latest and there he went a few days ago with a "Sean I miss you" and BAM! I lost my current angry state with him. I acted as if we did leave it on good terms when in reality I'm not quite sure but it sure as hell seemed that way today. And well, we fell into that same plan as before, so that leaves me with the question, "what the hell are we doing?" The one time we hang out in forever and it already happened as if we were in a relationship for months. But, with the current state of the social society and the lack of strict moral codes in this younger generation, was what happened...bad? I feel like I'm old enough to make my own decisions and do what I'd like but am I really that "good" of a girl to where I can't let myself be, well, free? I thought about that right before, and you know what, I did what I wanted..towards the end. I can't let what I believe my mother deems fit for me run my life. I'm a college girl now, I cam do what I wish and hey, it never hurt anyone to have a little of fun before all the seriousness begins. (another not, I couldn't help but feel different this time compared to the last, I actually enjoyed having his arms around me and feeling his breath on my neck, awh I really am just a girl haha)

a B cdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm....B.
Well there isn't really much to say about him other than we will only be friends forever. Nothing more, and no matter all the "we will do this" or "this is what could happen" it really will never be more than what it is now, what it has always been. And I honestly doubt that it will be a once a week conversation, more like when one is free and the other is not so busy, and even if you might get that mode of transportation soon I doubt anything will become closer. We are friends, always meant to be, always will and even though we may have that sexual tension, in the end, you are like an older brother, and well...you don't have sex with your older brothers haha

Abc D efghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...D.
Now him, him, him. We had a thing earlier this year that just lasted a few months and even though it was fun while it lasted we ended on mutual terms. In our relationship it seemed to me that we were better as friends then anything else. But the other day when I went to his party and we all drank afterwards that slight..interest took me over and the next day we talked a lot thru text but when he asked to hang out, just the two of us, I turned him down. I was, well am, just not ready to rekindle that relationship bcz I really don't see it going anywhere and I'm not going to be the "girl who helped him in that little endeavor" ha no not at all. It's not worth it, sorry D..but we really are just better of as friends, which is really why it never worked before and I'm not going to waste my time on something I really don't want.

Abcdef G hijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...G.
Now, her..haha yes her. We had a thing last year (oh my god this is just a post of drama and gossip haha) but it never really went anywhere and i know it's not going to go anywhere now(I'm being far more realistic now that I'm admitting everything and being open with this blog compared to what I think and believe in my mind lol) There is no need to fake the funk. Her and I are just friends and that's it, plus it would of never of worked out..I'm so happy to of fully realized that now, I'm very disappointed though that I acted so foolishly in the past. Well haha that's just high school. Time to tie the knots(not literally) and move on and get the hell outta town.

abcdefghi J klmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...J.
J, J, J...what can I say about him other than I knew it wouldn't of worked from the get go, I have no idea why I kept fooling myself for so long..maybe bcz I wanted a sweet guy to wrap his arms around me..and I really could of gotten that but with such a slow pace? It really wasn't worth the wait. I like taking things slow but not that slow and I like tougher guys and even though he said he was just like that to girls he liked I didn't like it, not at all...it was all make believe pretty much. Not even that but towards the end I realized that it wasn't worth it to not be comfortable in the state that things were going. So I ended it. I am going to stay true my word, I will always remember him for his sweet personality and genuine behavior, as well as, the fact that it all exceeded my limits and helped me define the my..funnel(?) of attraction.

abcdefghij K lmnopqrstuvwxyz
Haaha now her,K.
No, no, no, no, No! I am never going to hang out with her no matter how much it tempts me. I can't, it's a waste of thought and emotion to go on her lust/but cant roller coaster. It's not worth it by far, if she doesn't know what she wants let be me. Over it, we will never keep in touch after this summer, bcz I'm not going to give all the effort, I'm tired of her games and in all honesty, I'm tired of her. I walked away from it the night of that party and that was it.

abcdefghijklm O pqrstuvwxyz
O...
Well now he is a very cool person but, very very unfortunately, too short for me, haha I know that seems a bit shallow but I'm only being realistic here. I tested it out saturday haha, now he is someone fun to party with and he is very cute, but nope! Not going to work, he's a very good friend that I'm happy to of establish a friendship with and that's the way it's going to go(:

abcdefghijklmnopq R stuvwxyz
Now why can't R fall off of the face of the planet? Why can't he move to Alaska and never talk to me again? Why can't I forget I ever met him, why can't I forget his number? Why can't I stay firm in my decision to never let him in again? I hate him, and yes I did love him, but I'll never let him play his game again. Too much pain and suffering and not enough actual gain. I won't let that happen again, I won't.

abcdefghijklmnopqr S tuvwxyz
Hahah now him! Okay so he pretty much fell from the sky and in all honesty, I bet they didn't really want him up there either. That whole thing is a joke and if it's not please prove me other wise. I guess I just really wanted something from the beginning, scratch that, I just want him..but I know it won't happen. I knew from the start that nothing would come of this but when my mom said something about it, it just further emphasized the fact that you can't believe what you see, hear, or read. It's just a game, and if you think you're winning, know this, I always do on the end...it comes out it the way that I best deem fit..too bad, you would of been very...fun to be with. Too bad, too bad. Don't take this wrong, but I don't believe you, but maybe it's my fault, I don't believe anyone, but it's a lot safer don't you think?

Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz(:

Leggoo(;

"it's sci fi and action packed"

Yes, I'm sure it is miss.
So..should I give a recap? Okay, well here goes..things have been pretty good in my neck of the woods. My relationship with the people I love are going quite well and my path to freedom has been quite great. I have been going out a lot more and just preparing myself for my full branch of freedom. I'm moving into my dorm the second week of august, going up for orientation the end of this month, partying it up until then pretty much.
So far I'm getting quite well in my alcoholic experiences haha, and dating here and there...now that is where all the juicy details are hiding(;
I will most likely have to write individual posts for each..well...individual! Lol, and there might just be a few(:
But the thing is, I've changed quite a lot. I feel like I've grown up in just these few days..maybe I'm just listening too well to my horoscope haha. But the fact of the matter is, I'm no longer a little girl and that's just it, time to change chapters, move onto the next page.
I'm planning on getting a tattoo before I leave,( I'm going to get five before my college graduation), piercing my nose and dying my hair. Time for some serious physical change from the high school me...no longer the little girl I used to be. Ah here I am already about to rhyme lol-I guess I just can't help the poetical me(:

I suppose I'll move onto the individuals...

A storybook ending

To a summer that is just beginning...I wonder what will happen next...

What you read in your head
Is a lot different then how it was
Said.
How it was intended to feel
It's affect.
For what you wish it would be
Was not the truth
But the lying
Dream.

day dream..

for you.

saturday, time of the dark..

straight hair, eye liner, she was all set.
a few stops on the way but she got to where she needed to be.
it was the usual clan: the mother, father-figure, sister, brother, and this time
the step sister, not the evil kind however.
they walk into the gate and she spots him.
he was looking in a different direction, but she knew
that he was aware of her presence.
he probably just looked away in the nick of time,
for she smiled as soon as she saw the side of his face.
she follows her mom of course, don't want to seem to eager.
as they lead the way to their table, she spots his parents.
why is it that the mother of your lover always seems scary?
and the father just seems clueless in his own little way,
kind of cute if you ask me.
everyone sits down and has the usual chit chat.
"hey..what time did you guys get here?..how was your game...etc, etc"
she's sitting next to him, their legs touch.
they aren't speaking just yet..probably deciding
what to say that would be approved by their parents.
easy conversation forming between them.
"how was your night?..what did you to today?" that kind of thing.
they seem to be playing a game..pushing their knees back and forth.
who will be victorious? he asks for a gum.
she only has a half a stick left.
she gets it from her purse and puts it into her pocket.
"get it yourself"
oh she wished he would, for you see..
every time they see each other, it doesn't necessarily carry over from the time before.
it starts fresh, with the ghost of past connections-physical ones at that.
she starts to toy with him, flicking him in the elbow.
"i'm bored, lets do something.."
"what?"
"i don't know but i don't want ot sit here"
"then what do you want to do?"
"want to walk around?"
"sure"
"ok lets go"
they get up, stand their for a second..to get their parents input.
his mother doesn't mind, after all he is two years older.
her father figure, "don't go too far, when i was younger i got shot over here"
(yeah right but ok)
they leave the gate. stand around, then decide to go to her car. (well her parents)
anything would of been better than sitting next to them though.
she sits on the hood, he leans on the side.
they talk, flirt, smile..they're happy.
she pokes his dimples, he tries to find hers.
he's unsuccessful by the way
he's looking at her. she covers her mouth trying to hide them.
he moves one hand. she puts up the other.
he holds her wrist, she wiggles out.
this goes on for quite a bit, cute innocence.
with him, everything is cute innocence.
even of that, she kisses his cheek.
then she kisses his lips. cute light kisses.
she parts her lips, just slighty, and kisses his upper lip.
then moves to the bottom. then tilts her head to the other side of his nose.
she bits him..just a little game she likes to play with him.
she moves back, smiles..if only he could be the one.
if she would stay longer, he more than likely would be.
he has all of the qualities she desires.
brains, athleticism, dimples..the way his eyes squint when he smiles.
with her he smiles quite a lot..with him she smiles quite a lot.
she's happy, he makes her happy.
they spend quite a while out there by the car. just small spells of kissing
followed by conversations over a number of topics.
he still tries to see her dimples,
"they're ugly, tiny ones"
he doesn't care.
her mom is seen smoking out by the gate. he notices her trying to be sneaky and spy on them.
she has nothing to worry about, he's a good respectful boy.
after her cigarette ends she goes back onto the lawn. they laugh.
whatever they do, past or future. is covered with childlike innocence.
whether they do kiss or sit close on the grass,
it's naive, cute, fresh.
what she always wanted. tired of the pressure, the expectance, she's calm with him.
a while passes and her mother and father figure walk out to the car.
her cue to get up and leave. she walks with him back towards the gate.
he stays out by the driveway as she walks into the house to use the restroom.
while in there she fixes her hair and powders her face. she likes him.
she turns to leave and knocks a shelf off the wall.
laughs, tries to put it back on. doesn't work at first.
the nails keep sliding into the wall, whoever put this together did a pretty crappy job.
in the end she fixes it, laughs again, then gets locked into the restroom.
jiggles the knob a bit and is set free. as soon as she steps out she sees a lady waiting to go in and couldn't help from smile from funny embarrassment.
she did curse when they shelf fell onto the ground.
most likely she was heard talking to herself.
she leaves the house, walks past the people dancing on the driveway, bend her head slightly under the hanging decorations.
she is already quite tall, overly when she wears heels.
she sees him just on the other side of the gate.
smiles, how cute he looks standing their waiting for her.
like a cute little boy waiting for his crush.
she cant help but day dream of a sunny day
where a young boy in a vest and kakis stands boyishly with a daisy in hand
waiting for the little girl of his dreams..
back to reality. they go stand by a van close to his parents but still out of sight. her parents are still by the car slightly down the street. cars are everyone,
it was quite a good turn out for a measly party.
they talk, smile. he spot one of her dimples.
laughs, smiles, and touches it.
his finger tips are slightly rough covered with the tenderness of his touch.
he looks at her, trying to find the other one.
is that love she sees shining in his eyes?
they've only had a few encounters similar to this one,
could he already be falling for her?
if she had to chose anyone, she would chose to leave her heart intertwined with his.
no one better could fill the position of care keeper.
his genuine personality, there with his kind heart.
she would chose right if she chose him. only time would tell.
she kisses him. she wants to touch his cheek, can girls do that?
or are guys to only want that can touch her face during an embrace?
the decide to go and sit down on a curb. both are getting sleepy for it's quite late.
they hold each other.
he is on the left, her on the right.
she leans on him and presses her head against his shoulder.
she wraps her arms around his. he graces his hand across her leg.
they kiss, just slightly. then break apart and cuddle again.
if an outsider would of witnessed this, he or she would of known that they were witnessing young love, pure innocence.
time passes, the night gets older.
he sees his parents getting up.
is told they are going to another party. everyone of their groups starts heading towards their cars.
her brother, his brother, mother and father pile into theirs.
he's in the drivers seat, his parents have been drinking.
her sister and step sister pile into the car.
the father figure comes out asking if we seen her mother,
"we don't know" is what we reply, "try the restroom"
he walks back into the party. comes back, "did she come back?"
"no"
walks away again. the mother walks back from up the street.
"here she is!"
he comes back
"where were you?"
"oh nothing"
"liar, what the fuck were you doing?"
"nothing"
"who were you with? what was his name?"
they walk away from the car, him yelling her quiet from her guilt.
"what the fuck! aren't we a couple? what are you doing?"
silence, quiet mumbling from the mother.
"well fuck, lets go talk to him then!"
a group of boys around the girls age walk by, sees the argument and walk up the street.
her parents leave. back to the party, most likely going to cause a seen.
it's her mothers fault. what was she thinking? she is not even sure what happened but
knows that her mother is guilty by how she carried herself, how she responded to the father figure.
the boys walk back, her door is slightly open, they walk by.
"woah, are you guys faded?"
"no" she replies.
"what's up? was that your parents fighting"
"yes" she says getting out of the backseat.
"whoa your tall, how old are you?" one of the boys says.
"oh you should be a model" the other one is obviously drunk.
"how old are you?" one says
"17" she responds, "do you guys have a phone i can use?"
she needs to handle the situation, she's not in the mood to get hit on.
she's shaking, not from the cold, she always shakes when they fight,
and believe me, its quite often.
she walks away, dialing his number.
first set of rings, no answer.
"pick up, pick up"
dials again.
"hello?" it's his mother,
"hi (insert name), my mom and (father figure) are fighting and they went back into the party, i don't know when they are coming out."
"they went back inside?"
"yes, umm i just want to tell you that i dont know when we will be arriving at that second party,"
"oh well they are just cleaning up now"
"oh okay, umm i dont know when we will be by to pick up (insert name of the brother)"
"okay, do you want us to talk him back or just go home?"
"umm just go home, we'll come by and get him"
"okay"
"okay thank you,"
his mother mumbles something in spanish."tell me about it"
she turns and walks back to her car and the guys waiting for her.
"woah your sister is crazy!"
"haha yeah, just forget about her"
her sister is making strangling movements with her hand through the roiled up window.
"we were just trying to tell them that they were beautiful and she said to go the fuck away"
(her little sister would of never of said that, but she was getting tired of these drunken boys)
"well you want us to go stop them?" asking about her parents
"hah no it's okay"
"you sure, we can just go drag him out to the car, i dont know about the girl though"
(she sure they mean well, but doubt they'll do anything they say)
"haha no thanks"
they start walking towards the party, the one closes to her age stays behind.
"yeah you guys don't have to worry about anything"
they all start walking away. she turns back around and opens the car door.
"what were you guys doing"
her sister starts talking, she's not all that concerned.
the parents come back, the father is still angry, the mother quiet.
she knew what she was doing.
they get into the car.
"there was nothing at that other party, they are just going home."
"oh okay, do they was us to pick up (insert name of brother) at their house?"
"yeah"
everyone's in the car, is goes speeding down the street.
yelling from the father, anger boiling out of his ears.
we arrive first at the house, he says out loud whether he should go and get gas.
starts to drive up the street just as they were driving down.
pulls a u-turn right after them, pulls into the driveway.
waits as they get out of the car, he gets out.
talks to his parents for a sec, gets the brother.
she has to step out for the brother to get him.
shakes her head as she sees her lover, he knows how her parents are too.
she has told him quite a lot.
gets inside the car. they speed down the street, cuts corners. on the freeway heading home.
she plugs her ears trying to wish herself somewhere else,
her wishes are left unheard.

why..

why do i feel so much, why can i write so much about you..
why to i tie my emotions to you?











over it.

the door opens, the door closes...

rather the screen door is set ajar,
never fully opening, never securely closing..
it's constant..the embarrassment i feel when i think of you
and me, and how we used to be..how dare you be so cruel.
i don't want to know how you are, i don't care.
for all i wish, you are sitting on the bottom of the ocean
face blue, suffering, no air..suffering as i suffered..do you feel that faint
comfortability of pain?
i did, i still do when i think of you..
i hate you with all of what is left of my heart, for the former was spent loving you.
god i wish i had only moved away sooner. i wish i never remembered your number..
further, i wish i had never met you, my life would of been so much more complete
if i had never laid eyes on your unmistakable beauty.
it's always worse when i go to sleep and when i wake up..
why did you leave such a lasting impression on me?
why is it that i still feel such pain?
i hate you, i hate you so much it's unbelievable.
it sickens me to say your name aloud, but if you
would ask to have me back i'd be there in a heartbeat.


why must i feel this way?
a mistake pain on a mistaken day.
a broken heart given way,
to sail the corners of the ocean,
the waves at bay..the rose
sits in the glass, my heart is
pierced forever last.

the girl in the looking glass

life was going by so peaceful, i only thought of you from day to day..
and now our life come's flooding back..what do you see me as? your
personal joke to look back and laugh over? were my feelings always a joke to you?
or are you really just so...?

one

one thing i want before i die..own a pair of christian louboutins.