Is my name in Krystal's phone.
is it wrong that i want to be more open in my life on this thing?? why am i so afraid that someone will read my blog then out of nowhere i get sued for libel or worse! stupid girl drama sparked by endless nonsense spewed from the mouth of materially mindfucked youth!!
hahah it could happen!
and funny thing, why do all, or well most, alien movies take place in LA? thats like foreshadowing how fucked we are all going to be when the aliens come down to kill the gang bangers in the dirty socal area! lol they wouldnt be able to tell which from which bcz we are all messed up in the head!
but...ahhh...im going to break it to you..i never thought i would, but if i did never so soon...im...PREGNATE!!!!!
HAHAAHAH just kidding! i made a new blog that is more personal than this one, but i think i might intertwine the two. ill see. gotta go!
be back in a loooooooonnnngggg giffy!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Now it's time to...
...break down everything I wrote on my subway menu(:
Page One:
-I guess it's time to go, I'm just not sure whether or not I'm going to go home.
- I hate estrogen supplements, they turn me into an emotional/mental reck. (points to) Shipwreck on My Mind Cove
Page Two:
- JoJo's "Get Out" plays in the background now. She's used to her mental solitude, but still wonders what impressions she leaves on the world, the people who see her, hear her, watch her. What do they think? What do they know from one simple glance?
- There are two boys outside selling candies and I sit here and winder, "How can they be so brave?" I'd be so fearful of rejection.
- constant fear of rejection, so it's best to just take yourself out of the game. Yeah right. Then you lose every possibility of change.
- How can children be so happy being so naive? Don't they want to know more than they do?
Page Three:
- Don't look at me please. I'm afraid my eyes are more windows than mirrors.
- I need to move. No wonder people hide behind their appearance.
- I just want someone to ask me what I'm thinking, how I feel. What I learned.
- I've never eaten a meal so slow.
- Maybe this is a good thing from San Bernardino. Fucked up people come here because they feel accepted, maybe it's a nice open place. Who knows? I don't.
Page Four:
- I'm just waiting for someone to come in in a wheelchair, since I'm in the only handicapped seat.
- I just bit my lip. I like the way I write.
- I love old Mexican men in cowboy hats, way to stick to tradition when the whole rest of the world hasn't. I tip my invisible hat to you sir.
- I always knew I was a writer in my past life, which is no wonder why I'm so passionate for it now.
- I can't wait to befriend the health lady at my university.
Page Five:
- I furrow my brow to make it look like I'm thinking something COMPLEX. (clouds and lightning bolts)
- I want to let the waterfalls fall from my eyes. Fuck the dam holding them in.
Pages Unseen:
-what are the first things that pop into your mind when you see ME?
- I wish there was a library close to where I live.
- I bet when they look at me they don't assume I'm as intelligent as I truly am?
- I don't feel comfortable looking up at/around my surroundings
- (and also a monster eating a sub platter)
Page One:
-I guess it's time to go, I'm just not sure whether or not I'm going to go home.
- I hate estrogen supplements, they turn me into an emotional/mental reck. (points to) Shipwreck on My Mind Cove
Page Two:
- JoJo's "Get Out" plays in the background now. She's used to her mental solitude, but still wonders what impressions she leaves on the world, the people who see her, hear her, watch her. What do they think? What do they know from one simple glance?
- There are two boys outside selling candies and I sit here and winder, "How can they be so brave?" I'd be so fearful of rejection.
- constant fear of rejection, so it's best to just take yourself out of the game. Yeah right. Then you lose every possibility of change.
- How can children be so happy being so naive? Don't they want to know more than they do?
Page Three:
- Don't look at me please. I'm afraid my eyes are more windows than mirrors.
- I need to move. No wonder people hide behind their appearance.
- I just want someone to ask me what I'm thinking, how I feel. What I learned.
- I've never eaten a meal so slow.
- Maybe this is a good thing from San Bernardino. Fucked up people come here because they feel accepted, maybe it's a nice open place. Who knows? I don't.
Page Four:
- I'm just waiting for someone to come in in a wheelchair, since I'm in the only handicapped seat.
- I just bit my lip. I like the way I write.
- I love old Mexican men in cowboy hats, way to stick to tradition when the whole rest of the world hasn't. I tip my invisible hat to you sir.
- I always knew I was a writer in my past life, which is no wonder why I'm so passionate for it now.
- I can't wait to befriend the health lady at my university.
Page Five:
- I furrow my brow to make it look like I'm thinking something COMPLEX. (clouds and lightning bolts)
- I want to let the waterfalls fall from my eyes. Fuck the dam holding them in.
Pages Unseen:
-what are the first things that pop into your mind when you see ME?
- I wish there was a library close to where I live.
- I bet when they look at me they don't assume I'm as intelligent as I truly am?
- I don't feel comfortable looking up at/around my surroundings
- (and also a monster eating a sub platter)
'Nuff Said
July Eighth. It's a Thursday afternoon, a little after three, not quite half. I'm sitting here enjoying a late lunch, rather my meal of the day. I needed some alone time so I decided to eat here rather than go, this is nice. But I'm not sure I should have this machine out in the open, there is a reason this place bares such a reputation. I was a victim of it all earlier this morning. Just think, I only have a month or so to stay in this rut-stricken setting. It's just one big bowl. Only a select few are chosen to climb out thru the ever thinning straw. Filtered to be pressured to be free. I'm not even hungry anymore, shoot I'm never sure that I even was in the first place. Today has just been blan, no flavored soup here. The more I stay here the more I need to just go. My second bite of subway was well liked. I do feel like I'm the star to my own mellow drama. Watch...(the audience is hesitant for the next plot twist)...Bam! Out of nowhere she's kidnapped and murdered! the end. State my mood here? I'm in a rut of inaction. The audience sees through my framed eyes, they hear the thoughts that enter my ears, read the captions of the words that enter my mind from within. "Hey Soul Sister" plays in the background. The faint noise of customers flutter their noise as a butterfly flutters her wings. "...Watching you is the only drug I need.." Yeah that and a couple of maximized sleeping pills to coat the pain away from an ever sinking heart into a never ending trash bin. I don't belong here. I'm reminded of that everywhere I turn. I have an eye appointment next week, I need to get fitted for contacts so I can fortunately see through a different lens other than my corrupt own.
I chose the booth in the corner and I'm hiding behind my hair. On the way over here I hid behind my Dior sunglasses. On the way back I'll hide behind what I imagine people see me as. The constant person I imagine I am in my head, the person far from the one yielding the pen! (rather the own in charge of the motion in my finger tips) Don't watch me eat because I'll most likely disgust with my lack of care. Awh, that's what that guy was waiting for, six boxes of pizza from the Little Caesar's next door. Hooray! No ones getting laid tonight! I really only hold a small existence in this world. It's so much bigger than I am. I'm only a spec of dust. (She mutters as that one single tear falls down her cheek) I really need to figure out how to italicize things on here. I have profound respect for this janitor lady..She's smiling way too much. I'm jealous of her happiness. I'm jealous of the family feelings that are oozing out of these subway employees.
Sent from my iPad
I chose the booth in the corner and I'm hiding behind my hair. On the way over here I hid behind my Dior sunglasses. On the way back I'll hide behind what I imagine people see me as. The constant person I imagine I am in my head, the person far from the one yielding the pen! (rather the own in charge of the motion in my finger tips) Don't watch me eat because I'll most likely disgust with my lack of care. Awh, that's what that guy was waiting for, six boxes of pizza from the Little Caesar's next door. Hooray! No ones getting laid tonight! I really only hold a small existence in this world. It's so much bigger than I am. I'm only a spec of dust. (She mutters as that one single tear falls down her cheek) I really need to figure out how to italicize things on here. I have profound respect for this janitor lady..She's smiling way too much. I'm jealous of her happiness. I'm jealous of the family feelings that are oozing out of these subway employees.
Sent from my iPad
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday
There are two chairs
One higher than the other
On the shorter one, there
Is a cup and a water bottle
On the higher one
There is a person sitting down
The lower chair holds her feet
The upper chair holds her heart
Outside the door there is a
Walkway, a tree, and some grass
There is a yellow hose with a blue stripe
Curled up beneath a window
In the distance there is a
Beat up, late '60s mustang
On tilts
Are all old things elevated?
Or, are they just the ones that
Seem priceable in certain eyes?
Beneath there is a flip flop
A can, and red lips on a mirror
Masks hang on the wall
And lights from the ceiling
Are you who I should be believing?
Or are you a ghost I'm not truly seeing?
I'd love to believe you and fall into your arms
But I don't believe you'd be there to catch me.
One higher than the other
On the shorter one, there
Is a cup and a water bottle
On the higher one
There is a person sitting down
The lower chair holds her feet
The upper chair holds her heart
Outside the door there is a
Walkway, a tree, and some grass
There is a yellow hose with a blue stripe
Curled up beneath a window
In the distance there is a
Beat up, late '60s mustang
On tilts
Are all old things elevated?
Or, are they just the ones that
Seem priceable in certain eyes?
Beneath there is a flip flop
A can, and red lips on a mirror
Masks hang on the wall
And lights from the ceiling
Are you who I should be believing?
Or are you a ghost I'm not truly seeing?
I'd love to believe you and fall into your arms
But I don't believe you'd be there to catch me.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Let the alphabet soup chose...
A bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...A.
Here is to a very nice guy with interesting intentions..we developed a thing a few months ago but it only lasted..well it wasn't very long. And here he is back in my life. But the thing that bugs me, is we hadn't really talked since February at the latest and there he went a few days ago with a "Sean I miss you" and BAM! I lost my current angry state with him. I acted as if we did leave it on good terms when in reality I'm not quite sure but it sure as hell seemed that way today. And well, we fell into that same plan as before, so that leaves me with the question, "what the hell are we doing?" The one time we hang out in forever and it already happened as if we were in a relationship for months. But, with the current state of the social society and the lack of strict moral codes in this younger generation, was what happened...bad? I feel like I'm old enough to make my own decisions and do what I'd like but am I really that "good" of a girl to where I can't let myself be, well, free? I thought about that right before, and you know what, I did what I wanted..towards the end. I can't let what I believe my mother deems fit for me run my life. I'm a college girl now, I cam do what I wish and hey, it never hurt anyone to have a little of fun before all the seriousness begins. (another not, I couldn't help but feel different this time compared to the last, I actually enjoyed having his arms around me and feeling his breath on my neck, awh I really am just a girl haha)
a B cdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm....B.
Well there isn't really much to say about him other than we will only be friends forever. Nothing more, and no matter all the "we will do this" or "this is what could happen" it really will never be more than what it is now, what it has always been. And I honestly doubt that it will be a once a week conversation, more like when one is free and the other is not so busy, and even if you might get that mode of transportation soon I doubt anything will become closer. We are friends, always meant to be, always will and even though we may have that sexual tension, in the end, you are like an older brother, and well...you don't have sex with your older brothers haha
Abc D efghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...D.
Now him, him, him. We had a thing earlier this year that just lasted a few months and even though it was fun while it lasted we ended on mutual terms. In our relationship it seemed to me that we were better as friends then anything else. But the other day when I went to his party and we all drank afterwards that slight..interest took me over and the next day we talked a lot thru text but when he asked to hang out, just the two of us, I turned him down. I was, well am, just not ready to rekindle that relationship bcz I really don't see it going anywhere and I'm not going to be the "girl who helped him in that little endeavor" ha no not at all. It's not worth it, sorry D..but we really are just better of as friends, which is really why it never worked before and I'm not going to waste my time on something I really don't want.
Abcdef G hijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...G.
Now, her..haha yes her. We had a thing last year (oh my god this is just a post of drama and gossip haha) but it never really went anywhere and i know it's not going to go anywhere now(I'm being far more realistic now that I'm admitting everything and being open with this blog compared to what I think and believe in my mind lol) There is no need to fake the funk. Her and I are just friends and that's it, plus it would of never of worked out..I'm so happy to of fully realized that now, I'm very disappointed though that I acted so foolishly in the past. Well haha that's just high school. Time to tie the knots(not literally) and move on and get the hell outta town.
abcdefghi J klmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...J.
J, J, J...what can I say about him other than I knew it wouldn't of worked from the get go, I have no idea why I kept fooling myself for so long..maybe bcz I wanted a sweet guy to wrap his arms around me..and I really could of gotten that but with such a slow pace? It really wasn't worth the wait. I like taking things slow but not that slow and I like tougher guys and even though he said he was just like that to girls he liked I didn't like it, not at all...it was all make believe pretty much. Not even that but towards the end I realized that it wasn't worth it to not be comfortable in the state that things were going. So I ended it. I am going to stay true my word, I will always remember him for his sweet personality and genuine behavior, as well as, the fact that it all exceeded my limits and helped me define the my..funnel(?) of attraction.
abcdefghij K lmnopqrstuvwxyz
Haaha now her,K.
No, no, no, no, No! I am never going to hang out with her no matter how much it tempts me. I can't, it's a waste of thought and emotion to go on her lust/but cant roller coaster. It's not worth it by far, if she doesn't know what she wants let be me. Over it, we will never keep in touch after this summer, bcz I'm not going to give all the effort, I'm tired of her games and in all honesty, I'm tired of her. I walked away from it the night of that party and that was it.
abcdefghijklm O pqrstuvwxyz
O...
Well now he is a very cool person but, very very unfortunately, too short for me, haha I know that seems a bit shallow but I'm only being realistic here. I tested it out saturday haha, now he is someone fun to party with and he is very cute, but nope! Not going to work, he's a very good friend that I'm happy to of establish a friendship with and that's the way it's going to go(:
abcdefghijklmnopq R stuvwxyz
Now why can't R fall off of the face of the planet? Why can't he move to Alaska and never talk to me again? Why can't I forget I ever met him, why can't I forget his number? Why can't I stay firm in my decision to never let him in again? I hate him, and yes I did love him, but I'll never let him play his game again. Too much pain and suffering and not enough actual gain. I won't let that happen again, I won't.
abcdefghijklmnopqr S tuvwxyz
Hahah now him! Okay so he pretty much fell from the sky and in all honesty, I bet they didn't really want him up there either. That whole thing is a joke and if it's not please prove me other wise. I guess I just really wanted something from the beginning, scratch that, I just want him..but I know it won't happen. I knew from the start that nothing would come of this but when my mom said something about it, it just further emphasized the fact that you can't believe what you see, hear, or read. It's just a game, and if you think you're winning, know this, I always do on the end...it comes out it the way that I best deem fit..too bad, you would of been very...fun to be with. Too bad, too bad. Don't take this wrong, but I don't believe you, but maybe it's my fault, I don't believe anyone, but it's a lot safer don't you think?
Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz(:
Leggoo(;
Hmm...A.
Here is to a very nice guy with interesting intentions..we developed a thing a few months ago but it only lasted..well it wasn't very long. And here he is back in my life. But the thing that bugs me, is we hadn't really talked since February at the latest and there he went a few days ago with a "Sean I miss you" and BAM! I lost my current angry state with him. I acted as if we did leave it on good terms when in reality I'm not quite sure but it sure as hell seemed that way today. And well, we fell into that same plan as before, so that leaves me with the question, "what the hell are we doing?" The one time we hang out in forever and it already happened as if we were in a relationship for months. But, with the current state of the social society and the lack of strict moral codes in this younger generation, was what happened...bad? I feel like I'm old enough to make my own decisions and do what I'd like but am I really that "good" of a girl to where I can't let myself be, well, free? I thought about that right before, and you know what, I did what I wanted..towards the end. I can't let what I believe my mother deems fit for me run my life. I'm a college girl now, I cam do what I wish and hey, it never hurt anyone to have a little of fun before all the seriousness begins. (another not, I couldn't help but feel different this time compared to the last, I actually enjoyed having his arms around me and feeling his breath on my neck, awh I really am just a girl haha)
a B cdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm....B.
Well there isn't really much to say about him other than we will only be friends forever. Nothing more, and no matter all the "we will do this" or "this is what could happen" it really will never be more than what it is now, what it has always been. And I honestly doubt that it will be a once a week conversation, more like when one is free and the other is not so busy, and even if you might get that mode of transportation soon I doubt anything will become closer. We are friends, always meant to be, always will and even though we may have that sexual tension, in the end, you are like an older brother, and well...you don't have sex with your older brothers haha
Abc D efghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...D.
Now him, him, him. We had a thing earlier this year that just lasted a few months and even though it was fun while it lasted we ended on mutual terms. In our relationship it seemed to me that we were better as friends then anything else. But the other day when I went to his party and we all drank afterwards that slight..interest took me over and the next day we talked a lot thru text but when he asked to hang out, just the two of us, I turned him down. I was, well am, just not ready to rekindle that relationship bcz I really don't see it going anywhere and I'm not going to be the "girl who helped him in that little endeavor" ha no not at all. It's not worth it, sorry D..but we really are just better of as friends, which is really why it never worked before and I'm not going to waste my time on something I really don't want.
Abcdef G hijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...G.
Now, her..haha yes her. We had a thing last year (oh my god this is just a post of drama and gossip haha) but it never really went anywhere and i know it's not going to go anywhere now(I'm being far more realistic now that I'm admitting everything and being open with this blog compared to what I think and believe in my mind lol) There is no need to fake the funk. Her and I are just friends and that's it, plus it would of never of worked out..I'm so happy to of fully realized that now, I'm very disappointed though that I acted so foolishly in the past. Well haha that's just high school. Time to tie the knots(not literally) and move on and get the hell outta town.
abcdefghi J klmnopqrstuvwxyz
Hmm...J.
J, J, J...what can I say about him other than I knew it wouldn't of worked from the get go, I have no idea why I kept fooling myself for so long..maybe bcz I wanted a sweet guy to wrap his arms around me..and I really could of gotten that but with such a slow pace? It really wasn't worth the wait. I like taking things slow but not that slow and I like tougher guys and even though he said he was just like that to girls he liked I didn't like it, not at all...it was all make believe pretty much. Not even that but towards the end I realized that it wasn't worth it to not be comfortable in the state that things were going. So I ended it. I am going to stay true my word, I will always remember him for his sweet personality and genuine behavior, as well as, the fact that it all exceeded my limits and helped me define the my..funnel(?) of attraction.
abcdefghij K lmnopqrstuvwxyz
Haaha now her,K.
No, no, no, no, No! I am never going to hang out with her no matter how much it tempts me. I can't, it's a waste of thought and emotion to go on her lust/but cant roller coaster. It's not worth it by far, if she doesn't know what she wants let be me. Over it, we will never keep in touch after this summer, bcz I'm not going to give all the effort, I'm tired of her games and in all honesty, I'm tired of her. I walked away from it the night of that party and that was it.
abcdefghijklm O pqrstuvwxyz
O...
Well now he is a very cool person but, very very unfortunately, too short for me, haha I know that seems a bit shallow but I'm only being realistic here. I tested it out saturday haha, now he is someone fun to party with and he is very cute, but nope! Not going to work, he's a very good friend that I'm happy to of establish a friendship with and that's the way it's going to go(:
abcdefghijklmnopq R stuvwxyz
Now why can't R fall off of the face of the planet? Why can't he move to Alaska and never talk to me again? Why can't I forget I ever met him, why can't I forget his number? Why can't I stay firm in my decision to never let him in again? I hate him, and yes I did love him, but I'll never let him play his game again. Too much pain and suffering and not enough actual gain. I won't let that happen again, I won't.
abcdefghijklmnopqr S tuvwxyz
Hahah now him! Okay so he pretty much fell from the sky and in all honesty, I bet they didn't really want him up there either. That whole thing is a joke and if it's not please prove me other wise. I guess I just really wanted something from the beginning, scratch that, I just want him..but I know it won't happen. I knew from the start that nothing would come of this but when my mom said something about it, it just further emphasized the fact that you can't believe what you see, hear, or read. It's just a game, and if you think you're winning, know this, I always do on the end...it comes out it the way that I best deem fit..too bad, you would of been very...fun to be with. Too bad, too bad. Don't take this wrong, but I don't believe you, but maybe it's my fault, I don't believe anyone, but it's a lot safer don't you think?
Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz(:
Leggoo(;
"it's sci fi and action packed"
Yes, I'm sure it is miss.
So..should I give a recap? Okay, well here goes..things have been pretty good in my neck of the woods. My relationship with the people I love are going quite well and my path to freedom has been quite great. I have been going out a lot more and just preparing myself for my full branch of freedom. I'm moving into my dorm the second week of august, going up for orientation the end of this month, partying it up until then pretty much.
So far I'm getting quite well in my alcoholic experiences haha, and dating here and there...now that is where all the juicy details are hiding(;
I will most likely have to write individual posts for each..well...individual! Lol, and there might just be a few(:
But the thing is, I've changed quite a lot. I feel like I've grown up in just these few days..maybe I'm just listening too well to my horoscope haha. But the fact of the matter is, I'm no longer a little girl and that's just it, time to change chapters, move onto the next page.
I'm planning on getting a tattoo before I leave,( I'm going to get five before my college graduation), piercing my nose and dying my hair. Time for some serious physical change from the high school me...no longer the little girl I used to be. Ah here I am already about to rhyme lol-I guess I just can't help the poetical me(:
I suppose I'll move onto the individuals...
So..should I give a recap? Okay, well here goes..things have been pretty good in my neck of the woods. My relationship with the people I love are going quite well and my path to freedom has been quite great. I have been going out a lot more and just preparing myself for my full branch of freedom. I'm moving into my dorm the second week of august, going up for orientation the end of this month, partying it up until then pretty much.
So far I'm getting quite well in my alcoholic experiences haha, and dating here and there...now that is where all the juicy details are hiding(;
I will most likely have to write individual posts for each..well...individual! Lol, and there might just be a few(:
But the thing is, I've changed quite a lot. I feel like I've grown up in just these few days..maybe I'm just listening too well to my horoscope haha. But the fact of the matter is, I'm no longer a little girl and that's just it, time to change chapters, move onto the next page.
I'm planning on getting a tattoo before I leave,( I'm going to get five before my college graduation), piercing my nose and dying my hair. Time for some serious physical change from the high school me...no longer the little girl I used to be. Ah here I am already about to rhyme lol-I guess I just can't help the poetical me(:
I suppose I'll move onto the individuals...
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
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