she knows.

i just told my mom about my boyfriend andrew. i started out my saying that i wanted her to meet someone. then i said that he was white, mexican and asain. it surely rang a bell from what she was talking about earlier this week. she said that he sounded cute and he really is. i then told her that he asked me out monday and that his mom wants to meet me. i even told her that i compared andrew to my last relationship with faggot boy, and andrew won by a landslide. she said she'll see about meeting him but she's not going to do anything today. i'm so happy that my mom knows and it was so much easier than i expected. i even told her about his freckles hahahah. i cant wait to see what we have in store now that everything is out in the open and i dont really have any limitations.

sing for me....

your so silly (=

right now im full of a lot of angst. angst because i want to tell my mom and angst because im a fifteen year old girl with no life. well i have a life and i love it but i dont do much. i've never drank or done drugs or anything like that and i feel like for some odd reason im missing out. i dont really go to parties or leave my house all the time. i usually just stay at home and thats not funn. my mom needs to let me do things and not stay couped up all the time because i'm starting to think that my cup is over flowing.

he's got something special...

"He's lightning
Sparks are flyin'
Everywhere I go
He's always on my mind and
I'm going crazy
About him lately
And I can't help myself
From how my heart is racin'
Think I'm really diggin' on his vibe
He really blows me away

He's got something special
He's got something special"
-hannah montana
he could be the one.



i really think he can be the one. i've gone through so much this past month that i just didnt really mind anything anymore. when they were just joking about us going out i was ok with it but deep down i really wanted to and now i have my prince charming. i think i'm falling for him. i love his smile and his hair and his freckles. he makes me laugh and just the way he touches me, i just cant stop blushing. the last relationship i had would of never been this perfect and this one's just starting. i cant wait to see what we have in store. i havn't told my mom about us going out yet. i need to because the only way this can really work out is if she knows. she needs to know because i dont want anything to ruin my relationship. not this time.

well this week brought many surprises and its just starting

on monday i twittered.." i hope today brings surprises" and it really did.
turns out, the boy i like likes me....so my friend and her friend in the most funniest way possible hooked us up. at first we were just joking then i texted him and asked him if he was being serious....and turns out he was....so now i have a boyfriend and im actually really happy.. i've been a little hurt for awhile and i think he's the glue to my broken heart.more laterrr, i have to go swimming!

saturday

goddamnitt. this is ridiculous....i cant take it...i need someone to preoccupy my time....if not i'll be stuck swelling over themm..its too hard and it makes me feel pathetic.... i need a hugg...and i want only one person to give me one but they cant...why am i stuck so much on this one person? what do they mean to me that i cant possibly give them up? through everything i cant give up hope....why is this happening and what does it mean? i feel so useless and pathetic that i keep hoping but it will never work.... why wont it ever work? why did i have to fall so head over heals for this person when i should of known it was never going to work out? i have so many questions that i need answers to that im afraid i wont ever gett. ever since it first started i'd always hoped. there was just something about this person that has me going gaga...i wanted it to last so much longer but in truth i didnt know how long it was going to go....now i know i wanted so much more but its not going to happen....i dnt think it will ever happen and thats what hurts the most. is that i keep the hope thinking that what we had was something special...honestly im just blowing it out of porportion but thats what i felt...thats what i feel. like they said when i love i love hardd...and im seriously stuck and i dont see myself being saved any time soon..

just twittered this.

"he's cute but heartbroken...shes lovely but taken. he's evil and cold hearted.... and im just sitting here...what am i? lost."

"i dont know what im doing here. can you give me a map so i can just follow it aimlessly?it'll be easier that way."

"i go under full vulnurability just to take the chance of letting her control me.."

its hard

i just feel like everything is crashing. home. pe. my "love" life haha i dont think i have one anymore and i dont know if i want one. its just tough. im trying really hard to not just lick her face out of no where! hahah oh and i had another dream last night. it was about her and my best friend. it was interesting and unexpected but you cant control your dreams....they just come...
and i just cant stand the fact that my mom just lets him walk right in again after everything that went down that night. how dirty he did her and she still just gave him the key. goddamnitt she's worse than me.
ugh why wont someone come along and save me. im drowning here with no life saver. im a swimmer but im afraid i've lost everythingg...
haha its funny. at pe i just feel like im an empty person. idk its just too hot to be myself... i just space out, just think and daydream about anything and everything.
i kind of have a small crush on someone tho....besides my usuall falling head over heals for those two and bammm! haha well my wife said to get over it and im trying. its just i dont want to lose hope..what should i do? you tell me

i need to get myself all clear again. like my goggles everything is foggy. hahah im a fishh

sunday....

today feels like a super laid back day, i just want to relax...in fact i dont want to move. i hate days like this when i just dont want to move...i cant move. like all energy is lost. all reason to move has just vanished...or im uncontrollably lazy and cant move. either way i dont see myself getting up any time soon. hahaha
i think my plans for tody is just regroup and wash clothes. hopefully people dropped out for summer school so i can hurry up and get my pe over and done with. i'm really looking foward to summer school actually. i think maybe the reason is because i want to interact...talk to more, different people and move on from this wacked out week.
to just have fun and not worry.the only thing i should be worring about is my homework for the summer and practice. thats all i want to do anyway...

refresh?

i just want to start all over. erase everything that has happened and start new. refreshed. unbroken. daring. i'm looking foward to heading down a new path, a different direction. facing new obstacles, new lessons, new feelings....

it went by all very fast

well, it all happened so very fast. her and him. she has her love and she's happy. i'm happy for her, i really truly am. have fun love. now for him....im not so happy. he hurt me so many times but i still let him in...and for what? to hurt me more than ever before. i practically gave him the key into my heart...to feel free and hurt me without any guards. he told me he loved me....and for some odd ball reason i believed him....through everything he did to me i believed him. i thought he changed and he truly cared for me. but it was all a lie. he was a lie. everything ever said was a lie. i just realized it now. i destroyed the persona i built of you to see the truth behind it. your nothing to me. never have, never were. and i was nothing to you. hahaah and now im friends with your girlfriend...scared? figured...you were nothing more than a coward... g2g