nougat?

Okay now there is this huge dilemma about restrooms, I feel, in the college life. The true issue of that statement however, is not being able to take a shit in the restrooms because of the awkward embarrassment. And then the one thing about me is that whenever I'm in the restroom I start day dreaming as if I'm asleep in the bathroom so I get freaked out thinking I'm peeing in my sleep. Everything is just so wacked out but I mean it takes time for comfortability to kick in, and in the end, that's all what we're waiting for.

Ranch Vs. Ketchup

"Don't Drop Your Arms"
I'd say, I'm pretty set. I'm a freshmen here at HSU facing the challenge of my comfort zone, along with the dreaded quest of finding "Me." Today I changed about three times, drew an abstract picture for my dorm, and made a list of all the stuff I have to do tomorrow. Nowadays everything is just full of lists, full of not forgetting and remembering. Things to worry about, to fear, to ponder over. I'm constantly running marathons in my mind. I'm worrying about money, how I'm suppose to pay for my books, where I should get a job, how soon I really need to get one. Reality bites and having so much to stress on really is just the icing on the cake. This summer I suppose I was "on it" with my academics but I guess I wasn't so in control of my physical self. I mean I weigh the same, but my muscle seemed to of disintegrated. Tomorrow all of my roommates and I are planning to walk down to the beach but I think I really need to do some "Me" time tomorrow. Make some space for some mental adjustments in a clear and airy environment, i.e. the square or something outside on campus. Ill take my phone, my keys, a sketching pencil, my ipad, and my sketch pad. Time to be creative. I do also need to run some errands and find the gym around here. My problem is, I'm so damn inpatient and it kills me eveery single time bcz then I turn to stressing out and panicking. It does me no good but I seem to not be able to breath. I need to get some netflix or rhapsody. I need to update my playlists, figure out my finances, maybe buy some milk. Everything now that, well it really is just dawning on me, a grown up. Every feel like reality just steals your breath away? Yeah that's how I'm feeling now, but on the inside. I can't really show my panicky side right about now. But I will take a quick break to answer a text.
I'm back. With a whole lot more questions. As in, now that I'm at Humboldt, will I fall into the categorization? Gee I hope not. I want to be a level headed, smart adult, not a caught up, cracked out teen. Maybe I need a tv? No, no I don't. I need to breath, make some lists, exert my worries and just relax. Maybe some time in the jacuzzi might work, or a jog down the way. I need to be doing something. I need to put music on my blackberry, or at least learn how to hold meditation in a run. Maybe I just need a nap, but I can't nap till I wash my face and brush my teeth, but maybe its to early for that. What I need to do is get back on my laptop. Gotta go I guess.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Sleep with one eye open...

Is it bad that I have theeeee perfect scheme for tomorrow? And is it bad that I treat my life more like a movie than reality?
Oh no I dont think so(;

But maybe I just have mental disabilities? Haha yes, I say so(:

I have green curtains on my window.

I leave in three weeks.
I return in five months.
Leave three weeks later.
Return five months after that.
Here for three months.
Then start the cycle all over again.
I've given him up to two years.
I really hope I can have him forever, but only
Time will tell, please let time be on our side.

I better get some sleep, I have a doctors appointment
Tomorrow morning to get a whole bunch of shots
For college. The only shots I like are ones full of vodka.
I need to grow a pair and out of needing chasers.
I also need a pair of black wedge booties
And some oxfords. Along with two good pairs of pants(:
Oh yes, in three weeks I doubt I'll ever show any leg
Outside of my dorm. Better invest in some self tanner
Bcz I will not be white and sun derived. Oh no no no.
Goodnight world, goodnight you<3

Butter and Jam on my Bread Please

Hand in hand in the horizons. Two sets of feet.
Your hand curved, my hand curved, together we make a heartbeat.
Nearer nearer, time draws near.
The string still pulls, continue it will.
As the miles creep, the cracks grow deep.
Our ears are red, our heart will burn,
The sun is hot while the earth turns.
Like clay we mold, like life we grow old
Like love we're felt, but never told.
Hand in hand, your feet draw near.
Hand in hand, there is no need to fear.
Open the window, draw the breeze,
Take a deep breath, then squeeze
The hand in your hand is real, the love in your heart is true
Forever mine is forever you.
Peel back the skin, break through the glass,
Take the step to let me in.
Cradle in your arms, look me deep in the eye
There you will see our night sky.
It's very dark, yet the stars are still alit.
Seven hundred miles, yet you'll still feel the touch of my lips.
The scent of my skin, the warmth you get within.
Hang my picture on your heart, while our family photo
Hangs on a wall, visible from our future patio.
Hand in hand, well walk the beach.
Heart in heart, no space to reach.
I'm next to you as you are me, no need to not
Breath in sync with me,
As our heartbeats strum to the tree.
Hand in hand, forever it will be.

After All, Sondre Lerche

"After All"

I like you too much
After too little time
I hold back my hearts crazy rambling
The fear that I should overwhelm your smile
Frightens the spiders inside me

Oh this could be magic
After all, after all


It started out as just a game, another toy to play with. I juggled a few for awhile but I just couldn't do it.
But after that day, you saved me. You brought me out when I was falling into a deep mental rut.
You pulled me to safety, you were my savior. And that's when everything fell into place. That's when I fell in love with you.
From that day on, I'll always love you, as you will me.
You told me I was your best friend, that you'll always be there for me.
That you care for me so much, nd how much you'll miss me.
I made you promise to come see me, and you did, promise that is.
It will be a true test of time if you do.
You've made me realize what I've missed, what I've been missing, what I never had.
It was love, not just another one, not a "what if" and a "finally did it".
It was the best any girl could ask for, bcz it was from the heart.
You feel so much, I can see it in your face, hear it in your words, feel it in your touch.
This will be the summer Ill never forget
And you'll be the one I'll always miss.
I'll leave here with the feeling of happiness in my heart.
Ill leave here with the luxury of being able to look back and smile at the times we had.
The moments we shared. The feelings we felt.
Youve given me the summer I'll never forget, the one that restored my heart.
I'll never stop loving you.

I'm barefoot.

You know..my title's the truth. I'm going to follow that. "the real me, unguarded and vulnerable"

To Give a Link Or To Not Give a Link

Awh, my nails truly dont look like that. rather a shiny, darker shade of purple with a few chips here and there. but what im referring to is rather, tricky..but then again it can be applied to a wide variety of scenarios..okay rather just two, no need to look at me that way.

Scenario Number Uno..(I found out recently that "numero" means "name" in Spanish, not "number;" I truly was a sad flower)Is whether or not i should send the link of my other blog. Im not sure I'll carry through with that one, for I'm a lot more comfortable sharing more personal tidbits on here now that I finally redid my layout. Seems a bit more me, dont ya think?
My other blog post, the only one i have on there, tells the tale of a little girl who was not sure of the events that were taking place but didnt speak up about them..my very night the other day. (that phrase just totally contradicted itself right there ahah) but yes, i completely, well pretty damn near, shut down until a very adorable boy rescued my from my mental rut. he is the other scenario..

Mr.(Blank) Hernandez. haha I'll write his name for i fear no wrath of any others!! haha i really should tho, who knows what crap could happen. but yes, my little summer romance has actually turned up. way up! when it first started i truly thought it was just games to begin with. but now that it seems more...more real than that im afraid ill leave here with a pretty long crack on my heart. i promised myself i wouldnt fall, ive weaved a net in my insides so i wont fall uncontrollably but i know that it will hurt to leave. its just, when i look into his eyes, i see so much more, feeling. but that could just be me putting a film over my eyes. oh how im not sure. but part of me feels secure in letting my feelings stand open bcz of what he's said, and what i can see in his eyes. but yet, in the back of my mind, guns are hot. i dont want to be played, but the other day when i was with him i wanted to blurt out that retched word! oh i know! awful!! i am not sure what im going to do, but i know my heart walked in before the rest of me. lets just hope im not some piece on his game board. wish me luck..

"The Truth Speaker.."

Is my name in Krystal's phone.
is it wrong that i want to be more open in my life on this thing?? why am i so afraid that someone will read my blog then out of nowhere i get sued for libel or worse! stupid girl drama sparked by endless nonsense spewed from the mouth of materially mindfucked youth!!
hahah it could happen!
and funny thing, why do all, or well most, alien movies take place in LA? thats like foreshadowing how fucked we are all going to be when the aliens come down to kill the gang bangers in the dirty socal area! lol they wouldnt be able to tell which from which bcz we are all messed up in the head!

but...ahhh...im going to break it to you..i never thought i would, but if i did never so soon...im...PREGNATE!!!!!
HAHAAHAH just kidding! i made a new blog that is more personal than this one, but i think i might intertwine the two. ill see. gotta go!
be back in a loooooooonnnngggg giffy!

Now it's time to...

...break down everything I wrote on my subway menu(:

Page One:
-I guess it's time to go, I'm just not sure whether or not I'm going to go home.
- I hate estrogen supplements, they turn me into an emotional/mental reck. (points to) Shipwreck on My Mind Cove

Page Two:
- JoJo's "Get Out" plays in the background now. She's used to her mental solitude, but still wonders what impressions she leaves on the world, the people who see her, hear her, watch her. What do they think? What do they know from one simple glance?
- There are two boys outside selling candies and I sit here and winder, "How can they be so brave?" I'd be so fearful of rejection.
- constant fear of rejection, so it's best to just take yourself out of the game. Yeah right. Then you lose every possibility of change.
- How can children be so happy being so naive? Don't they want to know more than they do?

Page Three:
- Don't look at me please. I'm afraid my eyes are more windows than mirrors.
- I need to move. No wonder people hide behind their appearance.
- I just want someone to ask me what I'm thinking, how I feel. What I learned.
- I've never eaten a meal so slow.
- Maybe this is a good thing from San Bernardino. Fucked up people come here because they feel accepted, maybe it's a nice open place. Who knows? I don't.

Page Four:
- I'm just waiting for someone to come in in a wheelchair, since I'm in the only handicapped seat.
- I just bit my lip. I like the way I write.
- I love old Mexican men in cowboy hats, way to stick to tradition when the whole rest of the world hasn't. I tip my invisible hat to you sir.
- I always knew I was a writer in my past life, which is no wonder why I'm so passionate for it now.
- I can't wait to befriend the health lady at my university.

Page Five:
- I furrow my brow to make it look like I'm thinking something COMPLEX. (clouds and lightning bolts)
- I want to let the waterfalls fall from my eyes. Fuck the dam holding them in.

Pages Unseen:
-what are the first things that pop into your mind when you see ME?
- I wish there was a library close to where I live.
- I bet when they look at me they don't assume I'm as intelligent as I truly am?
- I don't feel comfortable looking up at/around my surroundings
- (and also a monster eating a sub platter)