ended up redoing this entry but here's one for thought...

There is a logical difficulty in being a moral relativist and belonging to a specific culture because you are faced with the challenge of choosing to stay true to your own morals or completely sacrificing them to conform to the ones of your own society. As a human being I believe we are all entitled to our own beliefs, but isnt that contradictory since im siding with the society of human beings and their belief in the free beliefs of human beings?

Karma.

Okay so in high school there was this girl who was, well gay, and had a few girl friends and stuff. but whenever one talked about her, not in necessarily bad terms but really more of a discussion-of what, who knows..but yeah whenever she was discussed the topic of her complexion came up quite a bit. only because it wasn't the best of the bunch but her personality shined through most of it, hence the reason she often found herself in those relationships. but i've seemed to of found myself in the same boat.
up here, i can already tell that my identity seems to be shielded by my outside, well the view people perceive from just from my physical self and actions that are noticed. those of which come from my physical relationship from a fellow female and my all too personally noticed complexion.
i guess im in the same scenario as the girl from high school. the girl that everyone just is okay with, not necessarily fondled over or really known, just there and seen. just there to see her with a girl and an ugly face. just there. nothing spectacular, nothing unique, just there.
i find myself to be just there. i want to be the mysterious girl who attracts but frankly, that's all in my head. everything is always in my head and it screws me over ever time. lately, more than a while, its been there, in the front of my mind, my lacking a define stage, a defined position. try and tell me that im wrong, try and prove a case to me that completely cancels out my own opinions.
yeah, keep thinking.

its there, i know it. and the only control i have is over the physical me, but lately it wants to fight with me too. this is why i like to be kept away a lot and closed, saves me from being seen, far too much vulnerability than the norm i face just by getting out of bed. now read that and try to get to know me, know what i hide, know what i feel..i don't like to share, i don't like to be vulnerable. maybe you were right when you said you could tell from my kisses that im timid but still like to take control. im shy, i don't like being unguarded, vulnerable, and im not afraid to take the stance that keeps me from being so emotionally bare.

My intro of myself for my online Psych Course

Hey Everyone!
Well my name is Sean Antonia Engelman, and I know the name may be misleading but I am a female. (haha sorry, but the clarification seems to of become a necessity.) I'm from San Bernardino, CA and I'm majoring in Psychology. I'd like to categorize myself as artistic if I had to chose, however I really am open to trying anything that deems reasonable or rational in the time being. I love to draw, write poetry, and I have a blog where I post entries from time to time. (Comment and ask for the link if you'd like) I really am just going with the description of what I should write on here, I hope it doesn't seem to "blank after blank after blank." My favorite food would have to be Italian, but i love Chinese and Mexican as well, really anything that's covered in sauce. My current "go to" music genres are usually dubstep when I'm hyper and more Foster the People or Lykie Li when I'm in my mellow moods. But I'd really like to learn as much as I can from this course and really be able to further heighten my grasp on critical thinking. However, in the long run I hope to go to graduate school for Psychology and have my own office and secretary and be able to help anyone who needs it. I guess I believe my purpose in life is to listen, share, and interpret for others to learn from as well.

nougat?

Okay now there is this huge dilemma about restrooms, I feel, in the college life. The true issue of that statement however, is not being able to take a shit in the restrooms because of the awkward embarrassment. And then the one thing about me is that whenever I'm in the restroom I start day dreaming as if I'm asleep in the bathroom so I get freaked out thinking I'm peeing in my sleep. Everything is just so wacked out but I mean it takes time for comfortability to kick in, and in the end, that's all what we're waiting for.

Ranch Vs. Ketchup

"Don't Drop Your Arms"
I'd say, I'm pretty set. I'm a freshmen here at HSU facing the challenge of my comfort zone, along with the dreaded quest of finding "Me." Today I changed about three times, drew an abstract picture for my dorm, and made a list of all the stuff I have to do tomorrow. Nowadays everything is just full of lists, full of not forgetting and remembering. Things to worry about, to fear, to ponder over. I'm constantly running marathons in my mind. I'm worrying about money, how I'm suppose to pay for my books, where I should get a job, how soon I really need to get one. Reality bites and having so much to stress on really is just the icing on the cake. This summer I suppose I was "on it" with my academics but I guess I wasn't so in control of my physical self. I mean I weigh the same, but my muscle seemed to of disintegrated. Tomorrow all of my roommates and I are planning to walk down to the beach but I think I really need to do some "Me" time tomorrow. Make some space for some mental adjustments in a clear and airy environment, i.e. the square or something outside on campus. Ill take my phone, my keys, a sketching pencil, my ipad, and my sketch pad. Time to be creative. I do also need to run some errands and find the gym around here. My problem is, I'm so damn inpatient and it kills me eveery single time bcz then I turn to stressing out and panicking. It does me no good but I seem to not be able to breath. I need to get some netflix or rhapsody. I need to update my playlists, figure out my finances, maybe buy some milk. Everything now that, well it really is just dawning on me, a grown up. Every feel like reality just steals your breath away? Yeah that's how I'm feeling now, but on the inside. I can't really show my panicky side right about now. But I will take a quick break to answer a text.
I'm back. With a whole lot more questions. As in, now that I'm at Humboldt, will I fall into the categorization? Gee I hope not. I want to be a level headed, smart adult, not a caught up, cracked out teen. Maybe I need a tv? No, no I don't. I need to breath, make some lists, exert my worries and just relax. Maybe some time in the jacuzzi might work, or a jog down the way. I need to be doing something. I need to put music on my blackberry, or at least learn how to hold meditation in a run. Maybe I just need a nap, but I can't nap till I wash my face and brush my teeth, but maybe its to early for that. What I need to do is get back on my laptop. Gotta go I guess.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Sleep with one eye open...

Is it bad that I have theeeee perfect scheme for tomorrow? And is it bad that I treat my life more like a movie than reality?
Oh no I dont think so(;

But maybe I just have mental disabilities? Haha yes, I say so(:

I have green curtains on my window.

I leave in three weeks.
I return in five months.
Leave three weeks later.
Return five months after that.
Here for three months.
Then start the cycle all over again.
I've given him up to two years.
I really hope I can have him forever, but only
Time will tell, please let time be on our side.

I better get some sleep, I have a doctors appointment
Tomorrow morning to get a whole bunch of shots
For college. The only shots I like are ones full of vodka.
I need to grow a pair and out of needing chasers.
I also need a pair of black wedge booties
And some oxfords. Along with two good pairs of pants(:
Oh yes, in three weeks I doubt I'll ever show any leg
Outside of my dorm. Better invest in some self tanner
Bcz I will not be white and sun derived. Oh no no no.
Goodnight world, goodnight you<3

Butter and Jam on my Bread Please

Hand in hand in the horizons. Two sets of feet.
Your hand curved, my hand curved, together we make a heartbeat.
Nearer nearer, time draws near.
The string still pulls, continue it will.
As the miles creep, the cracks grow deep.
Our ears are red, our heart will burn,
The sun is hot while the earth turns.
Like clay we mold, like life we grow old
Like love we're felt, but never told.
Hand in hand, your feet draw near.
Hand in hand, there is no need to fear.
Open the window, draw the breeze,
Take a deep breath, then squeeze
The hand in your hand is real, the love in your heart is true
Forever mine is forever you.
Peel back the skin, break through the glass,
Take the step to let me in.
Cradle in your arms, look me deep in the eye
There you will see our night sky.
It's very dark, yet the stars are still alit.
Seven hundred miles, yet you'll still feel the touch of my lips.
The scent of my skin, the warmth you get within.
Hang my picture on your heart, while our family photo
Hangs on a wall, visible from our future patio.
Hand in hand, well walk the beach.
Heart in heart, no space to reach.
I'm next to you as you are me, no need to not
Breath in sync with me,
As our heartbeats strum to the tree.
Hand in hand, forever it will be.

After All, Sondre Lerche

"After All"

I like you too much
After too little time
I hold back my hearts crazy rambling
The fear that I should overwhelm your smile
Frightens the spiders inside me

Oh this could be magic
After all, after all


It started out as just a game, another toy to play with. I juggled a few for awhile but I just couldn't do it.
But after that day, you saved me. You brought me out when I was falling into a deep mental rut.
You pulled me to safety, you were my savior. And that's when everything fell into place. That's when I fell in love with you.
From that day on, I'll always love you, as you will me.
You told me I was your best friend, that you'll always be there for me.
That you care for me so much, nd how much you'll miss me.
I made you promise to come see me, and you did, promise that is.
It will be a true test of time if you do.
You've made me realize what I've missed, what I've been missing, what I never had.
It was love, not just another one, not a "what if" and a "finally did it".
It was the best any girl could ask for, bcz it was from the heart.
You feel so much, I can see it in your face, hear it in your words, feel it in your touch.
This will be the summer Ill never forget
And you'll be the one I'll always miss.
I'll leave here with the feeling of happiness in my heart.
Ill leave here with the luxury of being able to look back and smile at the times we had.
The moments we shared. The feelings we felt.
Youve given me the summer I'll never forget, the one that restored my heart.
I'll never stop loving you.

I'm barefoot.

You know..my title's the truth. I'm going to follow that. "the real me, unguarded and vulnerable"