good morning. good night. is it really a good morning? well, it was a lovely night.
i remember a few months back. i was sitting outside my sister's classroom waiting for
her to get out of practice when i turned to my left and this is what i saw: two cute sophomores staring at their reflection in a classroom window. oh how cute and in love they looked. i was so jealous. i instantly thought to myself and whether or not i ever had that. whether or not i was ever truly happy with any one individual i had feelings for. the answer i had for myself-no, i don't i have ever experienced such content happiness in the most positive connotation of the phrase.
you know what. i cant even continue this past train of thought. i'm too angry with the voices of ignorant adults bickering in the other room. they seem to always make me feel annoyed and the complete opposite of feeling at ease. i have to constantly be aware, just to make sure that things don't turn violent. the static is always there, the anxiety of the variations of anger is always there. the annoyance, the dumbfoundessness of every single phrase they spit out of their mouths is utterly astonishing. you'd be amazed if you were here. you'd be just as angry as i if you were here. if anyone was here. any audience could hear this for five simple minutes and understand it all. the hostility. the pain. the anger. the disappointment. everything.
i'm dizzy, i have to lay down.
3:39 am? That is late, or maybe too early?, a time to be awake at. But, at least you're spending the time being you: always thinking, analyzing your thoughts, and being alert, instead of going out to find an unhealthy distraction.
ReplyDeleteAbout the whole love disappointment thing: If you think about it too much, about needing somewhere there with you, it's going to haunt you and you won't be able to focus on yourself. Not that you shouldn't think about love, something that makes people all happy and hopeful and optimistic about everything, but maybe try to get a new paradigm about the situation. To me it seems, correct me if I'm wrong, that you are stuck in the idea of love = happiness, which is true but not true. Love or just having the one person there does make other things in life hurt a little less but it doesn't extinguish them. Likewise, this quest you're on of finding someone . . . even when you do I highly doubt (okay, so I'm being a tad harsh here but not in a criticizing way) you're going to be content with them for long. Because this idea of love isn't going to fix everything or make everything easier, it might at the beginning, but then you'll start finding cracks and be disillusioned again in one way or another. Once you find love or that someone then you have to go into it knowing they're there for support, to make your days brighter but not easier.
And about being unable to fall asleep because of "the voices of ignorant adults bickering" resonates with me. It sucks, I know. And I empathize and know how you feel. On the bright side, I'll tell you what I repeated to myself on a daily basis around this time last year and all through the summer: A few more months and you get to get away from it all and just hear your own crazy thoughts, not mixed with the thoughts and voices of others.
LL
Alma