there

there is about a few of them who think they know me, and i laugh when they try and tell me who i am and why i do, say, and think the things i do. i remember once when one of them comfronted me i shut down completely bcz i was afraid they were getting close but no, no one will ever get that close. no matter how far they think they've gone in they will never reach the core. and no this isnt just a defense mechanism, its the truth. no one with get as close as me.

its funny how

its funny how i can just close my eyes and be in a completely different setting. i'm there, i'm young, i'm right outside the library, on my way to class. and there you are. i see you walking in front of me. i am a child, innicent, unexperienced. and then there is you. you seemed experienced, older for you age. always thought you were one step ahead and now here you are. you're life has fast forwarded actions far beyond your years and yet you are still a child. i am still a child. but not as young as i was then. as young as i was when i first met you. i think about it now and i really was in love with you. but now, i cant seem to reattach myself to that, well what i thought, would always be such a strong emotion. when i see you smile and laugh, i get the faint feeling of those past emotions, but they dont stay. who knows, maybe they might turn up more often then not, but as of now, im floating in a lonely sea with passerbys starting straight at me. but what they see, and who they believe is me is nothing close to the truth, as clear as the heart can see, can be, you probably will never know..the real me.

another oil pastel

another drawing.

right now.

right now this is all going through my mind.

1. my(our to be more specific but i completely disown him when it comes to picking up the poop)dog is soo cute! i love his personality, he's like a cute little brother and almost as annoying. haha i have learned to love dogs afterall.

2. i am watching a san bernardino school district meeting on channel 17 and i am learning quite a lot. its funny how much we all dont know.

3. im talking to him again. however i have reeavuluated how i feel about the whole situation. i am looking at it from a completely different perspective, and i like it this way. it's a lot better and i need to take that into consideration.

4. talking to an old friend from middle school. wow, so much has changed in all of our lives. its crazy the different tracks we all make once we move from page to page.

5. spring break, time to write, talk, blog, draw, eat, swim, sleep..and anything else i'd like to do.. get ready for a wild ride!

depressed.

i just wrote a poem, tried to publish it, didnt work and now im left with an empty post. mood: defeated.

over, under

oversized shirts fit perfectly on my undersized ego,
of the day, the sun shines brightly away.
away from the disasters on the other side.
but if you look far enough in the distance, it's still blue and green.
blue and green, blue and green, blue and green.

i just took off my watch..

i just took off my watch, the imprint is still left on my wrist.
so is the one of my hair tie. the news is playing in the background
and i just got an i.m. from this guy i fancy. the emotion i am reeling in?
one of pain, aggression, and irritibility.
the reason why? the brother of my mother.
now let me tell you a bit about his idiotic, self pittying personality.
he lost his mother when he was very young and had a pretty messed up childhood. now he is older yet his actions are still screaming self pity. he drinks himself into a practical slumber. (exaggerated that a bit, but who cares, its my story) and apparently he has had a gf and wants to move in with her(found this out via facebook) but from personal experience she seems like a douche, and as of late, real late, so has he. i know his loves me but his love in his actions havent beenn apparent. he doesnt spend time with me or my siblings, doesnt go to any of our games, rarely calls to check in. just sulks around and cries about how his job is a lot of hard work and blah blah blah.
but you know what, so is my job. i go to school, i maintain good grades, i play varsity sports, and i have to get everything together so i can go to college. doesnt that seem like a lot of hard work? rather than lifting boxes in a stupid freezer.
oh but wait, im too busy to go to my neices and nephew's games, or award shows, or anything bcz im too busy living my life f***ing my girlfriend, spending time with my godchildren, oh and picking up my girlfriends son from school rather thn pick up my eldest neice who i havent spent time with in ages.
you know what uncle, and i know you will read this. i DONT care! i dont feel sorry for you, i no longer do bcz you dont do anything to help yourself. you are completely ignorant, arrogant and idiotic. i am leaving in five months!! five months henry! you have rarely spent time with me the last ten years of my life, so lets see, how much can you fit into five months? hmm tough guy??
you really did hurt me today bcz i was looking forward to you picking me up and simply just taking me home. a simple "errand" to make in your suchhh busy day going shopping, visiting your cousins and picking up your girlfriends son. how pathetic!! you are completely messing up and what is sad is, i know you know it too! yet you are doing nothing to fix anything. i am completely done with you. i am not your father, i am not your girlfriend, i am not your neice. when you say something damn it you better follow through, and you know what, i am going to try that right now. i am no longer going to try and chase you into a black hole, you are jjust screwing yourself and you are going to realize it when its too late. you only have another niece and a nephew to get in their good side bcz with me, you are through. no more chances uncle, you friggin jerk!! oh and by the way, thanks for making my day such a blast, really, i love being dissapointed into inevitable tears, oh i just love it!
im done, i dont care. dont call and talk to me, i dont want to hear your lame excuses. tell them to your girlfriend bcz idgaf.

In the previous post...

Little do you know that his name is in the corner...

Monday's Doodles

3/7/11

-She wears a striped sweater
not as nautical as it seems,
yet she wants to blend back
into the ocean and it's dreams.
-Dear Mary, you were right,
we become distructive, not
from fright, but from those
who walk the streets at night.
-How can I have a present,
if I never had a past?
-I really just want first
period to end, I woke
up in a bad mood and I bet
it will see a majority of
my day through.
-Today is the day where it
should all come through, dont
let that wretched horoscope
seep through, you like him and
he likes you, just go from there,
dont mess up more than you.
-My nails grow, then I bite them
back, my vein show on my
wrists, purple and blue and
bulge when I fist,
yet the engraving of the scars
is never lack.
-"The creater dies but the
monster lives."

and a picture:)