Oh my, the resolution of my phone is pretty bright. So technically it's thursday morning, but either way I can't sleep. I've been laying in bed for quite a bit, a little while ago I was watching He's Just Not That Into You. Fair warning, girls don't watch this movie days before your next period when you're on emotional crack. I feel like such a girl in need of a teddy bear and a chocolate fountain. Maybe I'm in such a cruddy mood bcz I never finished the movie, it was hella long and I really should be trying to get some sleep but I just can't sleep yet. Even with two thousand milligrams of pain reliever pumping thru my veins, I really hope it makes me sleepy. I mean coming here I needed my sleeping pills for a few days then stopped needing them for a few weeks bcz I accompanied a bed, but now that that's over I need them again. Its much easier to fall asleep when you have someone to be with. Now its just me, my ipad, and my phone. No wonder I could never fall asleep, haha. But I mean I'm not complaining, I can stretch out. I guess I'm just missing that late night conversation, the one that makes you think until you nod off. Sometimes I think I'm better in a relationship, only bcz I have something to focus on other than the worries of me. Sleeping tends to just get easier that way, but all I have now are my thoughts and emotions, which don't mix well right before I fall asleep. My arms are sore, I went to the gym today then had swimming this morning. I have to get in shape to play the game. And I feel as if I have a fever, dang cooties! All the girls in my suite are sick, apparently I'm a late bloomer. I want to sleep, a lot of things can be added to that list actually. There's a void, I feel it. And maybe its been hindering for a few days but either way I feel it now, quite noticeable. The feeling to want something more, someone to text when I can't sleep who will talk to me until I do who I don't see as a friend, since I'm currently texting one now until I see the inside of my eyelids. But that's not the point, what I want is that warm, bubbly feeling inside. Someone to lean on while I'm watching a movie and not have it turn into some form of foreplay. I just need some form of distraction other then movies on netflix. Doesn't matter if its someone who makes me all bubbly, just companionship other than my roommates would be nice. A group of friends whom I can all my own. I kinda missed out on developing that the first few weeks I've been here because I was adopted into the gazeebo herd because of her. Now I'm on my own and in need of a flock. I'm just a wondering duck, yeah a duck. I run to my room bcz I like the feeling of being alone, but sometimes it truly is just the easy way out, the scapegoat. I need to be a flower and bloom, damn hippie moments-you gotta love arcata. But either way, I want text messages blowing up my phone asking to hang out. And see, that's my problem. I'm stuck searching for that thru my friends groups who I've seem to of been tagging along with, not developing it on my own bcz I'm too darn stubborn and it really is just sad that I can't get out of that stride. I mean who cares if I've made a fool of myself. That's what's growing up for. That's the fear of once again wincing at memories. Can't escape them no matter how hard I try, how hard I scrunch my eyes in hopes of dissinigrating a memory that is best kept hidden. But after all embarrassing moments are life, might as well suck it up.
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