friday, that anniversary,

haha of course i'd say something like that. haha my little secret<3
two more days till our two month anniversary:)
i'm happy with my life, it's the best it has ever been!

ok well more about my day:)
hmmm trig was pretty funn today, i talked a lot and laughed :)
i'm watching shrek right now and i want to hear all of the subliminal messages, ahh that would be soo much funn!
but anyway, physio was funn. i get kinda annoyed sometimes with ppl but thats just me.
asb is starting to get better, still really bad, but better. there are some really unsensitive ppl in the class but oh well, i dont care.
lunch was ok, that one person needs to get over last year and move on...i was really irritated today at lunch too. all i had was an apple. i love my baby. her knows everything ;)
newspaper was funn today! we interviewed ppl. that part stunk bcz a lot of ppl dont really have any brains in their head. i told my grandpa that and her said that i should have an open heart bcz those ppl dont know all the information i want them to know. but that is just life i guess.
english was great! i talked a lot today and laughed, it was funn, i'm starting to really like that class.
us history was funn too! i left class bcz we had a subb and i already finished my work. so paola and victoria came and got me thn we went to dr. scotts class for some paper. i saw andrew and amanda so we all just hung out and they wrapped my foot. it was funn bt i dnt really like ppl touching my feet. but haha its whatever. i saw bre and kayla which was good, i scared andrew too! aww i love him so much!
sunday is going to be great! aww i cant wait!

today's journal entry continued

"what is the difference between being used and working together?"

the reason that there is reason...

how crazy is this?

ms.paine,"hey sean,these are some interesting choice of words."

todays vocab words were:
aloof(adj.)-reserved, distance
altercation(n.)-dispute, fight
ambiguous(adj.)-uncertain, variably interpretable
ambivalent(adj.)-having opposing feelings
ameliorate(v.)-to improve

are irony and coinscedence the same thing?
how these words tie into everything i'm feeling, how they tie into everything that has happened is truly remarkable. what ms. paine said made me feel like she knows everything about me. those specific words she used hit the target right in the middle. i know that she will be large unfluence in my life, im in her class for a reason.

my sentace was:" i dislike altercations because i dont believe in confrontations"

ms. paine:"cant confrontations lead to altercations?"

yes, ms. paine, they do.

today i was repeatedly asked if i was ok bcuz i was so aloof in my thoughts. one reason why todays words hit me. not as in pain but made me know that what i believe in isnt just gibberish but meaning.

i was faced and witnessed many altercations this weekend. my sister and i and my mother and michael. there is not such thing as coinscedences, everything has a reason.

i was ambigious on how i was going to react to the things that i had gone through over the weekend. your reaction defines who you are as a person.

my sister and i had ambivalent feelings throughout the whole fight. even know i dont know.

there are beyond many ways for people to ameliorate their behavior. to change the way they handle things to make the best out of any situation.

today held reason, purpose and meaning.

july thirteenth two thousand and nine

i never thought that i would have someone like him in my life. i get butterflies just thinking about him, im afraid to say that my whole heart belongs to him. i've never felt this way before, not ever. i know he loves me and i love him. more to come whn im able to think freealy, promise. i want to make what i write about him perfect.

more of that journal entry

will come later in time

todays journel entry

there is a reason to why i dont fight. i dont want to be like my mother, father, sister, brother, step dad, step sisters, uncle etc. i cant be like them. they are disgusting, fighting is disgusting. there was a reason to why i wasnt able to sleep last night. there was a reason for me to witnesswhat happened. there was a reson for me to think about everything before i could shut my eyes. there there was a reason to mayas behavior. there is a reason for my mother's behavior. there is a reason for michaels behavior. there is a reason for everything. everything happens for a reason. the scratch above my eye, the bite mark on my arm, the scars on my wrist. everything happens for a reason. there is no coincedence. everything has meaning. we were given our life with a purpose. thrive.
i dont believe in fighting bcz it is disgusting. the whole animalistic nature of it is beyond stomach curling. fighting for fun and just messing around is ok bcz no potential harm is done but fighting to hurt ppl is filthy. fighting to cause someone pain....it just hurts to even think that ppl do that, let alone being a witness to it over and over again. it's just plain sick. i dont fight bcuz i chose not to. i chose to defend myself differently. i believe that you can shoe your side through words and actions rather thn abuse and violence. i dnt fight bcz i dnt want to be the way that ppl who fight are. i dnt want to think how they think, i dont want to hurt how they hurt, i dont want to feel how they feel. plain and simple: i am not them, i will never be one of them. i am me.
there was a reason to why my sister behaves like this. is there a reason to the marks she has given me? i believe so.. i believe that whn we are older she will realize what she has done ot me. please god i pray that one day she will realize her actions and come to peace with herself. why hasnt she realized it yet? wht is there left to do? how much more do i have to go thru in order for light to be shined upon her? why wont she just come to her senses? why must she behave like this? say these things? does she honestly belive wht comes out of her mouth? is this truly her place of thinking? does she really think that i dnt care? that im going thru this for nothing? why is it that i can hurt myself but not her? why wont i treat her how she treats me? calling me selfish, saying those things is disgusting. why must she acted this way? this isnt maya. i understand that she has been through stuff, so have i, but to react this way? seriously dillusional.

2:20 a.m.

what happened to:
'sticks and stones
may break my bones,
but words will never
hurt me.'?
isn't that the motto
that we all used to
live by? but yet
we repeatedly let
ppl break us down
piece by piece.
why?
why do we let
ourselves sink so low?
over something that,
if you chose to do so,
has no meaning?

their words aren't hurting us,
it is us who are hurting ourselves.
we are opening the gate
for those words to
pierce our hearts.
recieve your wings
and take flight
guard your heart
with your sheild
and let them fight.