saturday

goddamnitt. this is ridiculous....i cant take it...i need someone to preoccupy my time....if not i'll be stuck swelling over themm..its too hard and it makes me feel pathetic.... i need a hugg...and i want only one person to give me one but they cant...why am i stuck so much on this one person? what do they mean to me that i cant possibly give them up? through everything i cant give up hope....why is this happening and what does it mean? i feel so useless and pathetic that i keep hoping but it will never work.... why wont it ever work? why did i have to fall so head over heals for this person when i should of known it was never going to work out? i have so many questions that i need answers to that im afraid i wont ever gett. ever since it first started i'd always hoped. there was just something about this person that has me going gaga...i wanted it to last so much longer but in truth i didnt know how long it was going to go....now i know i wanted so much more but its not going to happen....i dnt think it will ever happen and thats what hurts the most. is that i keep the hope thinking that what we had was something special...honestly im just blowing it out of porportion but thats what i felt...thats what i feel. like they said when i love i love hardd...and im seriously stuck and i dont see myself being saved any time soon..

just twittered this.

"he's cute but heartbroken...shes lovely but taken. he's evil and cold hearted.... and im just sitting here...what am i? lost."

"i dont know what im doing here. can you give me a map so i can just follow it aimlessly?it'll be easier that way."

"i go under full vulnurability just to take the chance of letting her control me.."

its hard

i just feel like everything is crashing. home. pe. my "love" life haha i dont think i have one anymore and i dont know if i want one. its just tough. im trying really hard to not just lick her face out of no where! hahah oh and i had another dream last night. it was about her and my best friend. it was interesting and unexpected but you cant control your dreams....they just come...
and i just cant stand the fact that my mom just lets him walk right in again after everything that went down that night. how dirty he did her and she still just gave him the key. goddamnitt she's worse than me.
ugh why wont someone come along and save me. im drowning here with no life saver. im a swimmer but im afraid i've lost everythingg...
haha its funny. at pe i just feel like im an empty person. idk its just too hot to be myself... i just space out, just think and daydream about anything and everything.
i kind of have a small crush on someone tho....besides my usuall falling head over heals for those two and bammm! haha well my wife said to get over it and im trying. its just i dont want to lose hope..what should i do? you tell me

i need to get myself all clear again. like my goggles everything is foggy. hahah im a fishh

sunday....

today feels like a super laid back day, i just want to relax...in fact i dont want to move. i hate days like this when i just dont want to move...i cant move. like all energy is lost. all reason to move has just vanished...or im uncontrollably lazy and cant move. either way i dont see myself getting up any time soon. hahaha
i think my plans for tody is just regroup and wash clothes. hopefully people dropped out for summer school so i can hurry up and get my pe over and done with. i'm really looking foward to summer school actually. i think maybe the reason is because i want to interact...talk to more, different people and move on from this wacked out week.
to just have fun and not worry.the only thing i should be worring about is my homework for the summer and practice. thats all i want to do anyway...

refresh?

i just want to start all over. erase everything that has happened and start new. refreshed. unbroken. daring. i'm looking foward to heading down a new path, a different direction. facing new obstacles, new lessons, new feelings....