there.

i dont want to be normal,
i like the way i am.
i like the tone of voice in my mind.
i do know why i ask so many questions.
deep down, i know the answers to all of them.
im tired of questioning my sanity, im tired of it all.
im just done.
done
done
done
done
done.

a simply realization to a mild blur..

today i paid a visit to the busy, daily commute of the mall.
a lot of thoughts plagued my mind throughout my day. far too many to be comfortable with. a lot has happened since i've been here. more of mental and emotional changes if anything of significance. im quiet. i've kept to myself at a decent level. nothing to spark worry or stress. but i realized while i walked those busy walk ways and stared at all the shoppers, i have a lot more growing up to do...here, let me brief you in..
my life, as of now, is half empty rather than half full, but that could just be because i have yet to start living..is that sad..or normal?
i'm missing out on a lot...on growth, love, happiness...i want something, i want someone. i see these couples, hand in hand, happy with one another...why cant i see that in my own life, instead of through the windows of others? why cant i carry that warmth within myself? i dont believe i've ever had it and as of late, its nearly impossible to reach...i hold too many barriers, i've become more comfortable with pushing people away rather than let them see who i am...is it becuase, well i've really come to this conclusion often...are they good enough for me to let in? should i give them my time? or would it all just be a waste in the end...
i take myself out before i realize thats its all just a waste. oh as of now i dont know what im saying...i never do.
i know i will grow up and older, but will i be happen then? or will i still be in this...this funky state of mind? will these thoughts and wonders always find a place to sleep in the back of my mind?
and even as i write this, i know im not getting everything i'd like to say. everything i feel and wonder...i simply dont remember...
im trying to reach that similar state of mind i was in while i was walking and window shopping of unknown faces and expressions...people dont know how they look or are precieved through others..hmm, how am i precieved? how do i look to you? do i look complete or can you see my hidden barriers through my face? what can you see? what do i unintentially let be seen?
will i be willing to accept a hug from you? ha im not sure if ill be willing to accept one from anyone other than a warn bubble of...well whatever solid formation love is. ha a solid warm orby thingy! haha classis explanation of a solid emotion.
...one question, amongst hundreds of previous others...who am i? why am i the way i am and why do i have so many bloody questions? i wish i had a british accent.
now fair warning, these are all thoughts right off the surface of my brain, so if they seem random, they most certainly are...
now back to my forever wandering train of thought...
will i ever be a mother? and if i do, will i be a good one? better yet, would i of found myself by then?
measly me, i ask all these questions when deep down i believe i already know the answer.
im not sure whether i would like to press publish just let, you know what, i will and if i have anything else to say ill just simply create a new post.

oh, my dear plenty..

plenty, plenty of times i've thought about redoing the layout of my blog, but in the end i decide against it. just as i decided right now to log out of skype. no use in waiting for an overworked soul. no use in changing an already perfectly worked peice of internet.
im sitting at the dining table of my grandparents little apartment in burbank(-ish)writing this blog. this whole, being here, is an intimate rework of the inner..me.
i saw ny grandpa john today for the first time in a few long months and he looked..older. i didnt expect he would change so in a matter of months. it made me wonder, how much have i changed? physically, as well as mentally..
you just never know these days the direction you're life will turn. i have to say its quite, as always, a difficult experience coming down here. i tend to.."fake the funk" while trying to still be me...hmm..whomever that creature is.
this environment changes me in a more materialistic, yet psychological aspect. im not sure if i'll be able to explain it in a proper sense, let alone if i'd like to, do to the already confusing constant state of mind i find myself in.
oh golly, who am i? what am i doing? measly questions i forever ask thyself. where in the hell am i going? answer me that and so how im feverishly opinionated against you.
is this change of voice different than the norm? am i passive or agressive? optimist or pessimist? now that right there is a true struggle for me.
am i hopeless, or hopefull?
what are you? alive or deadly living? seeking the truth beyond believing, ever wondering, ever struggling, to find the place in one's own reign.
gosh, i believe i have a nack for that. i just say what my mind and heart wants me to say, what i a intended to through the power of a higher being, i dont god here is in the works since im not sure i believe in the feller.
hello grandmothers, how does it up there in heaven? golly how i cant believe you are all up there...its funny how quickly things change. how fast death comes and how i can easily wish i had changed some things...i wish i knew then what i know now...always talk and learned from those who've done it all before. yet as i am writing this, im not sure if im taking my own advice and taking advantage of the grandparents, the living ones, i have in the other room.

sheeze, i write a tad much. train of thought, quite concised, dont ya think?

conan and the barbarian..

i have to think my life through. i need a vacation..i dont think i'll be bringing my laptop either..

they say

that laughing is the best medicine. it releases high level endorphins in your body and boosts upp your heart rate, so it's the best exercise as well. no wonder whenever i'm feeling sad i pop the love guru into my dvd player and sit down for a chuckle.

now i went and visited ontario mills yesterday and had a very...intimate experience within myself. usually my mall visits are..let's just say...degrading and depressing. but yesterday it was different. i was already in a very relaxed mood, which i believe, set the mood of my choices as well. i didnt come home angry or dissapointed in myself, rather i came home content and excited from my purchaces.
i bought things i felt comfortable in, yet i do know i followed the normal trends yesterday, i chose to try on and buy things that i could actually see myself wearing. things that could change my physical me..into being more of my inner self.
i came home with a: "Knitwear" tan cardigan, "Basic Jersey" light faded blue tang, "Acc. Divided Black" dress (all H&M); a neff beanie and rasta knitted bag (Zumies); black bug eye shades (Wetseal); guy styled blue sweater along with a girly beach pink one (gap) and a full stomache packed with a large 7-up, three cheese enchiladas, and beans all from Paco's. as you can tell, i am very happy with my purchaces bcz in every way they represent me. unlike my past purchases with the things that are still ratpacked in my closet.

a whirlwind

of emotions is creeping through every inch of my body.
i dont want to feel anymore.
i dont want to have to think anymore.
i dont want to be closed in my own thoughts any longer.
i want to run away, i just want to run away.
why is it now that everything falls into this whole
when for the longest it was as empty as empty could be?
why was it these hands that typed the emotions?
why were these thoughts the ones that crept through my mind
when asked those measly questions.
why were these emotions sparked?
i just want to run away and forget it all.
oh how my heart yearns for an escape.
my shoulders hunched in the direction forward.
aching to be free,
released.
no longer having to bare the emotional world i built
right above my hair strings.
right above my heart strings.
right above my heart string.
cut the rope. let it fall.
that wretched, beating thing
does not
need to live
at
all.

a book just hit my shoulder..

you think i really want to share now?

its funny how you try to preach all this rightous good shit,
but in the true hands your nothing but a hyperactive hypocrite.
he's playing on the computer and his friend is bored out of his mind.
it's not my problem. i am not the host. i don't mind whether they are having fun or not.
you are there just watching the telly, you see that the friend is bored,
so you come and as me. i am using whatever it is that you want.
so i say no. you get back bcz i dont see your line of vision.
you throw a book at me, now you really think i want to share,
for whatever the cause?
i actually most likely would of came around, but you didnt have to do that.
wipe that pathetic look off of your face.
i dont care how you feel..you're nothing but a brat.
entertain them yourself if you care so much
and leave me in my own little world.
leave me in my own little world.
leave me in my own little world.

conference call..

sitting here, its 3:14 pm, and im waiting to speak to all time low.
conference calls, so far are fun. less nerve-wracking than a face to face interview, i prefer it this way. facial interactions are not always great, especially if you're not comfortable.
the lady in charge is reading over our names, ive never heard so many different high schools called on a role call.
i am nervous tho, i dont want my questions to seem unintelligent to everyone else listening.
im just really happy to recieve a link to the recording of this tomorrow..im not sure ill be able to get everything down..

why do watches make me feel..

claustrophobic?

twas the night before..well any night..
i recieved an invitation to enter that door once again..
all i had to do was click accept and
everything just came flooding back.
so many changes, so many fallen leaves.
only few are left to add beauty to the broken beast.


(gtg) continue this later.

"dark was the night"

revealing was the night.
dazed and confused was the day.
both of us were striped bare.
minds ravaged and raped through.
bodies yearning to move..to move closer..
through the spaces of empy matter and street lights.
..oh what is it that i have done?
there is no armor left protecting you.
i broke through, wist most of the help,
coming from..you.
now, will you ever get the chane to do the same to me,
instead of you?
will you?
ha will you..

my dogs bed..

i can close my eyes and see a heart.
vines are all around it,
suffocating it..keeping it together.
there is darkness surrounding the beating life form..
a red glow from within.
am i your red glow from within?

"it's going to be worth it"

"i want you here inside me, say the word"

darf ich off die toilette gehen..(chuckles with laughter)

"who in here is being honest?"

that is a very good question, who could the truth speaker be?

i really need to get my act together today. i have to call hsu, have to clean my room, call my grandpa, email my aunt, should email both but idk, email my grandmother, learn how to play the guitar, atleast one cord, put up my posters and do another facial. i have eleven hours and eight minutes until this day is over, shouldnt be so hard right? oh and fill out the two scholarships i have in my bad.

it shouldnt, yet i continuously dissapoint myself bcz i never complete the easy goals i set. i am a lazy procrastinater and i am completely upset right now bcz i am jjust sitting here writing this down when i could be doing on of the above. why am i still sitting here?

there

there is about a few of them who think they know me, and i laugh when they try and tell me who i am and why i do, say, and think the things i do. i remember once when one of them comfronted me i shut down completely bcz i was afraid they were getting close but no, no one will ever get that close. no matter how far they think they've gone in they will never reach the core. and no this isnt just a defense mechanism, its the truth. no one with get as close as me.

its funny how

its funny how i can just close my eyes and be in a completely different setting. i'm there, i'm young, i'm right outside the library, on my way to class. and there you are. i see you walking in front of me. i am a child, innicent, unexperienced. and then there is you. you seemed experienced, older for you age. always thought you were one step ahead and now here you are. you're life has fast forwarded actions far beyond your years and yet you are still a child. i am still a child. but not as young as i was then. as young as i was when i first met you. i think about it now and i really was in love with you. but now, i cant seem to reattach myself to that, well what i thought, would always be such a strong emotion. when i see you smile and laugh, i get the faint feeling of those past emotions, but they dont stay. who knows, maybe they might turn up more often then not, but as of now, im floating in a lonely sea with passerbys starting straight at me. but what they see, and who they believe is me is nothing close to the truth, as clear as the heart can see, can be, you probably will never know..the real me.

another oil pastel

another drawing.