plenty, plenty of times i've thought about redoing the layout of my blog, but in the end i decide against it. just as i decided right now to log out of skype. no use in waiting for an overworked soul. no use in changing an already perfectly worked peice of internet.
im sitting at the dining table of my grandparents little apartment in burbank(-ish)writing this blog. this whole, being here, is an intimate rework of the inner..me.
i saw ny grandpa john today for the first time in a few long months and he looked..older. i didnt expect he would change so in a matter of months. it made me wonder, how much have i changed? physically, as well as mentally..
you just never know these days the direction you're life will turn. i have to say its quite, as always, a difficult experience coming down here. i tend to.."fake the funk" while trying to still be me...hmm..whomever that creature is.
this environment changes me in a more materialistic, yet psychological aspect. im not sure if i'll be able to explain it in a proper sense, let alone if i'd like to, do to the already confusing constant state of mind i find myself in.
oh golly, who am i? what am i doing? measly questions i forever ask thyself. where in the hell am i going? answer me that and so how im feverishly opinionated against you.
is this change of voice different than the norm? am i passive or agressive? optimist or pessimist? now that right there is a true struggle for me.
am i hopeless, or hopefull?
what are you? alive or deadly living? seeking the truth beyond believing, ever wondering, ever struggling, to find the place in one's own reign.
gosh, i believe i have a nack for that. i just say what my mind and heart wants me to say, what i a intended to through the power of a higher being, i dont god here is in the works since im not sure i believe in the feller.
hello grandmothers, how does it up there in heaven? golly how i cant believe you are all up there...its funny how quickly things change. how fast death comes and how i can easily wish i had changed some things...i wish i knew then what i know now...always talk and learned from those who've done it all before. yet as i am writing this, im not sure if im taking my own advice and taking advantage of the grandparents, the living ones, i have in the other room.
sheeze, i write a tad much. train of thought, quite concised, dont ya think?
Yes, I had a tad of a hard time following along. But it was nice. The only thing I want to say about all of this is that you are feeling all confused and questioning everything . . . and it's going to get worse for you in this field once you get to college. Worse has a bad connotation, huh? It's not meant to be; I have a tendency to say things in a negative way when what I'm saying is not bad or mean at all. What I mean is that this journey that we all go through about trying to decide who we are and why we are how we are and what we want and why and all that is going to intensify. You're going to try more things, love them or hate them, maybe even regret them, or you're going to feel confused and just lost--ME, ME who planned out my whole college career and future before senior year rolled around . . . and yet now I'm beginning to question every pre-decision I've made, which sucks because I hate new experiences and surprises and losing control and not knowing what I can do. But anyway, getting back to you, it's going to be an intense ride but in the end, once you know who or what you are, it's going to feel like a worthwhile painful experience.
ReplyDeleteLL
Alma