todays journel entry

there is a reason to why i dont fight. i dont want to be like my mother, father, sister, brother, step dad, step sisters, uncle etc. i cant be like them. they are disgusting, fighting is disgusting. there was a reason to why i wasnt able to sleep last night. there was a reason for me to witnesswhat happened. there was a reson for me to think about everything before i could shut my eyes. there there was a reason to mayas behavior. there is a reason for my mother's behavior. there is a reason for michaels behavior. there is a reason for everything. everything happens for a reason. the scratch above my eye, the bite mark on my arm, the scars on my wrist. everything happens for a reason. there is no coincedence. everything has meaning. we were given our life with a purpose. thrive.
i dont believe in fighting bcz it is disgusting. the whole animalistic nature of it is beyond stomach curling. fighting for fun and just messing around is ok bcz no potential harm is done but fighting to hurt ppl is filthy. fighting to cause someone pain....it just hurts to even think that ppl do that, let alone being a witness to it over and over again. it's just plain sick. i dont fight bcuz i chose not to. i chose to defend myself differently. i believe that you can shoe your side through words and actions rather thn abuse and violence. i dnt fight bcz i dnt want to be the way that ppl who fight are. i dnt want to think how they think, i dont want to hurt how they hurt, i dont want to feel how they feel. plain and simple: i am not them, i will never be one of them. i am me.
there was a reason to why my sister behaves like this. is there a reason to the marks she has given me? i believe so.. i believe that whn we are older she will realize what she has done ot me. please god i pray that one day she will realize her actions and come to peace with herself. why hasnt she realized it yet? wht is there left to do? how much more do i have to go thru in order for light to be shined upon her? why wont she just come to her senses? why must she behave like this? say these things? does she honestly belive wht comes out of her mouth? is this truly her place of thinking? does she really think that i dnt care? that im going thru this for nothing? why is it that i can hurt myself but not her? why wont i treat her how she treats me? calling me selfish, saying those things is disgusting. why must she acted this way? this isnt maya. i understand that she has been through stuff, so have i, but to react this way? seriously dillusional.