It's Time To Blog About My Feelings, But First...

i need something to drink. okay now that im back. i guess i better go. (sorry for the lower case "i"s that bugs me but im just too lazy to push the caps button on and off so oh well)

i'm finally coming home tomorrow. i have yet to figure out whether i am happy to do so or not. i guess its both. i am happy bcz i can go home and just be loud. i cant really do that hear so im excited to just scream. second, all my stuff is at home. the place i feel most comfortable in is in my bedroom, so i cant wait to get back to that. i also dont want to go home bcz i dont want to be consumed in the stress of my everyday home life. you wont believe the nonsense i go thru nearly everyday and sometimes i just cant take it. staying here helps me get away from all of that but i guess thats life and i have to get back to it. just think, ill be leaving again hopefully soon to take on a new adventure and i am looking forward to that.

about my visit here, i have been both inspired and beaten.to me the two go together. i have been inspired to change my life. get rid of the disgusting aspects of it all and start fresh and anew. being here, in burbank and hollywood makes me realize that i really want change in my life. in nearly all aspects. for one, the simpliest one. the way i dress and present myself. i have been so inspired here to look differently and dress differently that i actually cut most of my hair off and bought entirely new clothes from my regular norm. i want change. i want to be different. i want to atleast accomplish that my senior year since i failed to do so in my past years of dreaded high school. the other thing i have been inspired to change is my environment. i want to rearrange my room to be my haven, a place where i can cherishh all sides of my being, all levels of my emotions. i want it to be MY place. no room for insecurites and worries. i want it to be a place of rescue and relaxation. i place where i looked forward to just standing in for who knows amount of time. a clean place for one. i cant stand dirtiness and what i have been living in recently is the exact opposite of my actuall home life. everything here is so clean and simple. at home it is the exact opposite. im not saying we're dirty or anything but living with seven other people isnt exactly pleasant. okay so two of the seven visit every so often it still creates a havic. so there is one motivation for a clean change. i just want to disinfect everything! and damn it i will.

aww the one thing about coming to my grandparents is that i always leave thinking differently. so much is different that i want to think and be different also. living with them this past week makes me want to be like them in a sense. simple and sophisticated. i just want my own life. none of this stupid teenage nonsense. i just want to be me and i dont want any of this high school stuff to hold me back. like i told a friend of mine, i already feel ready for college except im stuck in high school still. i feel so much more than and average high school student. i know i have similar struggles as one but i feel like i have surpassed all odds going thru what i did last year. i dont have many friends anymore and i was a cutter. in fact i cant even say was because i dont know whether or not i will do it again. things just totally changed and i know it was for the better bcz if it wasnt it just never would of happends and i dont regret anything that happened in my past bcz it has made me who i am today. i just wish that i didnt have to cry as much as i did and feel as low as i have. but i guess all that made me stronger and yet i am still struggling. i am still struggling to find myself. i dont know who i am. i sometimes think i do and then something happens that makes me question that. i just want to be in a different level of my life, a much simpler one where i have time to figure out myself and quite frankly right now time is not on my side. the days are going by so fast now that idk what i have done since school was over. i just want to feel accomplished and motivated and different. i guess writing this has made me realize some of the things i am questining but it hasnt helped me figure out all of the answers.

for one, what am i doing about her? the hell with it,i dont know. i dont know any of the answers when it comes to her. she is different, but i cant accept the fact at times that is it best that i have her as a firend then not have her at all. i guess knowing that being with her was different that i cant let it go but i need to bcz when i was with her i was happy. i just wantt to be happy. i guess im in a lonely rut. thats it. the thing is, i dont feel whole. writing this i feel like my glass is half empty instead of half full. i want to feel full. at elast partially complete. i hate the years i am going thru now. that whole "have to find yourseld" bullshit. i just want to know but its not about the destination once you get there its about the climb. and i need to realize that. better yet i need to accept it.

gosh this blog is just a whole bunch of ramblings but its whats going on in my head and heart.

my mom just informed me that my sister received better grades then i did this past year. you know what, i dont care. i was going thru a lot and my schooling reflects that and i need to accept that also. its life, the worse you can do is hold a grudge against it and that brings me to something.

i dont have my life or the world i live in, i just dislike the imperfect qualities of it. i nearly always find myself asking, "why cant my life be better" or "why cant my life be like that" or the best one "why do i have this life" what am i to gain from all of the drama and problems i am thrown into. it feels like the answer to that question is experience and strength. experience to know what to do and strenght to complete it.

i do so want to move onto another level of my life bcz i feel as if i am finished with this one.a lot of negative events happened that i just want to move on and forget rather then accept and learn. i dont want to accept anything, i want to go back and change it all but that is not the answer. i dont want to own up to all of my faults and bad choices, i just want to forget them all and remember life as if it was perfect instead of knowing that its not and nver will be. i dont want accept the life i have been giving. but until then i do need to know that i have been blessed. even if i have yet to realize what those blessings are, its coming to me that i ahve been given this life to complete a mission and for know all i know what i need to do is to write and let fate guide my wway.

all i have to do is right and ill be happy. my blog is where i feel the most purest. everytime i create a new post and let words flow from my heart thru my fingers i feel a heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders and heart. i have a way to just speak without knowing what to say or watch what i say. i feel most me when i write bcz i let what im meant to say come thru me to whoever it is suppose to go to. i dont have anything against any of my writings or blogs or anything really. my words leave feelings in others that i can only hope with benefit them. i'm just happy i can affect others in a postive way instead of harm them. i mean im not evil. my negativity comes from my jealous of the perfect. how i want to reach that goal in life. how i need to accept that there is no such thing. until then i am just stuck to be what i hope i truly am and not some vile persona. i hope everyone knows who they are and dont have to wait so long to discover that. afterall, its all in the climb.


i guess i will go now, this blog is scrambled enough. i finally understand why she said that i "reside where love is found." i hope others realize that she has always been right.