today i paid a visit to the busy, daily commute of the mall.
a lot of thoughts plagued my mind throughout my day. far too many to be comfortable with. a lot has happened since i've been here. more of mental and emotional changes if anything of significance. im quiet. i've kept to myself at a decent level. nothing to spark worry or stress. but i realized while i walked those busy walk ways and stared at all the shoppers, i have a lot more growing up to do...here, let me brief you in..
my life, as of now, is half empty rather than half full, but that could just be because i have yet to start living..is that sad..or normal?
i'm missing out on a lot...on growth, love, happiness...i want something, i want someone. i see these couples, hand in hand, happy with one another...why cant i see that in my own life, instead of through the windows of others? why cant i carry that warmth within myself? i dont believe i've ever had it and as of late, its nearly impossible to reach...i hold too many barriers, i've become more comfortable with pushing people away rather than let them see who i am...is it becuase, well i've really come to this conclusion often...are they good enough for me to let in? should i give them my time? or would it all just be a waste in the end...
i take myself out before i realize thats its all just a waste. oh as of now i dont know what im saying...i never do.
i know i will grow up and older, but will i be happen then? or will i still be in this...this funky state of mind? will these thoughts and wonders always find a place to sleep in the back of my mind?
and even as i write this, i know im not getting everything i'd like to say. everything i feel and wonder...i simply dont remember...
im trying to reach that similar state of mind i was in while i was walking and window shopping of unknown faces and expressions...people dont know how they look or are precieved through others..hmm, how am i precieved? how do i look to you? do i look complete or can you see my hidden barriers through my face? what can you see? what do i unintentially let be seen?
will i be willing to accept a hug from you? ha im not sure if ill be willing to accept one from anyone other than a warn bubble of...well whatever solid formation love is. ha a solid warm orby thingy! haha classis explanation of a solid emotion.
...one question, amongst hundreds of previous others...who am i? why am i the way i am and why do i have so many bloody questions? i wish i had a british accent.
now fair warning, these are all thoughts right off the surface of my brain, so if they seem random, they most certainly are...
now back to my forever wandering train of thought...
will i ever be a mother? and if i do, will i be a good one? better yet, would i of found myself by then?
measly me, i ask all these questions when deep down i believe i already know the answer.
im not sure whether i would like to press publish just let, you know what, i will and if i have anything else to say ill just simply create a new post.
You should know that your questions are not meaningless. This confusion and anxiety you feel is not permanent. Being a teen sucks and so does having all these questions, but it’s not always so. You're probably like, "You're still a teenager so how would you know?" Honestly, I don't. It's kind of like faith, though. It needs no explanation because I just know it will end; we won’t be so confused all the time. Imagine how much worse our world would be if we all had these endless burning questions? Exactly.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I think you have a milder case of what I have. Ok, so I don't officially know that I have this--I haven't been diagnosed with what I'm about to propose—but: chronic dissatisfaction. I’m more or less a happy girl who is seen as the one who has everything under control and doesn't worry about much. I'm good at impressions. Truth is, sometimes I, too, feel just . . . hopeless about everything. I feel tired of everything and I don't want to see anyone. I'm not mad at anyone, yet, when anyone speaks to me I just . . . treat them bad or I'm rude. So, what do I mean you're a milder case? You wonder how people see you, well, I'll tell you how I used to see you: I thought you were a confident, out-going, pissed-of-at-the-world kind of girl who thought she was the victim of everything. Ouch, that sounded mean. I don't like to lie, though. However, I will say that this is how most of the people that I knew senior year felt about you--okay, we didn't sit there and discuss you (we're not that lame) but sometimes you just see someone, you know, and then you just start having a discussion about them. Furthermore, now that I know you somewhat better, I still feel that you are a confident, out-going girl. I don't think you're pissed off at the world, you're just . . . trying to find how you, one individual, fit into this world that is so freaking huge. But, you will because in this big world you'll learn that you create your own world, smaller and predictable--as predictable as things can be--and you will then see your purpose within your context. Trust me on this one. Also, I no longer think you're someone who just sits there crying, "Why me? Why me?" I see how you feel and how you think and how you process things, and I see that you do see your own faults and you know your blames, you're just trying to understand WHY you're the way you are, which is totally understandable.
I feel like I'm writing a lot. I tend to do this when I talk, too--go on and on and on. Usually I do say meaningful, wise, funny things, though, so I hope I'm not a bore. :)
Okay, on your views of love. I have no experience in that department so I feel bad giving advice. However, I do have my theories. The ultimate being this: sometimes we don't have to learn by making mistakes. Sometimes you can learn by looking at the people in your life, and you can learn from THEIR mistakes. Given this, I can only tell you this: learn from the mistakes of others. Don't . . . search for love, for that special someone. The more you search the more confused you will become with yourself and question whether something is wrong with you and then you'll become cynical and think the world hates you and that no one will ever love you. My thing is that you don't need a special someone. Yes, it's nice to have someone there BUT why do we need to depend on someone else to make us happy? Because it's human nature, right. Well, in that case, what are friends for? What is family for? What do we have ourselves for? My golden secret: BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE SOMEONE ELSE YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF. That, my friend, is the only wisdom I can share.
One last note: yes, keep trying to find yourself, but don't over think it, don't put too much effort, because we're human. We change on a daily basis. We fluctuate between confidence and hopelessness, anger and love, joy and confusion.
LL
Alma
Enjoy that long comment. :)
ReplyDeleteAlma