as of late..

..i haven't been completely honest with anyone, especially myself.
what i do want now, however, is the feeling of completion that i felt
in the movie i watched the other day. it's called "d.e.b.s" its this funny spy movie with girls in short school girl outfits running around with guns, but thats not the point. the point is, i want the feeling of love that the two main female characters had.
and here's the thing..i want it with a girl. i've been like this for awhile but i feel as if i need it right now..i have this faint hope in the back of my mind that i will find this completion in college, only when i get there will i truly find out. i hope luck and fate is on my side.
in the mean time, with the boys i have in my life now, its complicated. i can never quite be as free as usual on here since one of them reads this..but im not complaining, i like to have an audience, but i do have emotions, and they're a tad bit shield now, like always.
the thing that i cant quite get my head around is why i've been so distant lately to a select few of people, especially him2. (there is him1 and him2 that i've been writing about lately, just thought that i should clear it up a bit)i doubt this, but it just feels this way right now, that maybe i lost what i thought i would hold dear for a very long time..hmm but maybe it's a lot less complicated than that. maybe its my time to be a girl..either way, i'm afraid i owe some answers that im not too fond of freely giving.

i should get some sleep..have to start the routine again tomorrow. goodnight the blog universe. i hope that my hopes go answered and my wants and dreams be fulfilled. i just want to feel whole..im not sure i've ever felt that way before..sweet dreams..i need to think about me.